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than i can handle, might certainly be an interesting topic, for someone else. since i am not a major **GOD** guy and certainly not one of those who believe that whatever i sincerely ask for in prayer, i will get, this topic could be a **throw-away.** as i sat, hours and hours ago, i was not focused on what i could get, but rather on what i can do. IF i want a loving equal relationship with my spouse, and i do, then i NEED to let go of what i believe and stop assigning motives for her behavior. i have to learn how to respect her, allow her the freedom to be who she is and honor the life we have built together. i have to share with others the issues i have and allow their feedback and advice to permeate my daily routine of living, becoming ingrained rather that “tacked on.” my needs and hers need to be treated equally and when i do all of that, i am REWARDED with a loving and satisfying relationship with my equal. the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides me the power to stay clean and by staying clean, my desire for more of life's rewards becomes even stronger. in a sense, they flow from that POWER into my life.
looking around at my peers, i see many of them have what i do not want or at least think that i do not want. there is a gift to being “newish” in recovery, as one can behave as badly as one desires, as long as one does not use, they continue to be welcomed. with long stretches of clean time, come expectations, even if they are not spoken out loud. it feels as if, at times, my peers expect me to demonstrate superhuman amounts of humility, tolerance, patience and compassion. it feels as if, somehow i am am supposed to be THE BEACON of HOPE and demonstrate all that is good in recovery and having dropped all trappings of what is not so good. along the side of the road. i have been quite good at wearing that mantle and playing that role, but in the end, it is just another role to hide what is really going on. just as the newest of the new struggle with their identities and what they bring into their recovery from their active addiction, so do i. i do not need to maximize my clean-time by discounting an occasional beer as not relevant to being clean. nor do i need to salve my bruised and battered self-esteem, by clumping all the various times i have been clean into a lump sum of “recovery.”
no what i do want and what i have been rewarded with, because i have stayed clean and not dove through the loopholes, is a life that i find, challenging, rewarding and quite complete these days. sure a huge raise or being gifted a new car might be great, even better a POWERBALL ticket that brings me millions and millions of dollars. will i whine and moan if those things do not come to pass? maybe, but just for today, i am okay with getting to see the Monet exhibit down ion Denver and having all that i wanted to do, done for today.

∞ DT ∞