Blog entry for:

to live with the consequences of what i ask for.
i am certainly living through some interesting times. the rise of racism and intolerance seems to be occurring and getting swallowed up by a backlash of those who insist there will be no going back. as our new president walks into office, the hopes and dreams that many of his “fringe” supporters, look like they may be shattered in the reality of what civil society really wants today. it does not mean that i stop being vigilant and confronting bigots as i encounter their self-entitled bad behavior, in fact as the “new” normal starts to assert it self, i must remain ready to act. hopefully all those who are in a similar state of mind about what the election means for the real world in the true center of the political spectrum, will be on top of shouting down those who believe they now have the right to turn back the clock on the progress society has made to be inclusive. so aside from stating a political opinion, what does this little piece of diatribe have to do with accepting the consequences of the gifts i have been given, especially those i have asked for specifically?
when i was one who prayed actively and believed that all that i asked for “in prayer,” would be grated, i often found that like the president-elect supporters, i may have got what i wanted, but the consequences were not what i expected. a case in point. about one year clean, i decided i desired a relationship. after all, i had over a year clean, i had worked twelve steps and i was going back to school after twenty years, to “make something” of myself, i DESERVED to have a committed and loving relationship. i prayed and was quite specific in what i was praying for. sure, like a dutiful adherent i added the phrase: “if it is YOUR will for me,” to my increasing high-pitched prayer for a loving and committed relationship. i got exactly what i asked for, only it was a Labrador Retriever puppy, who was to become my constant companion for the next eleven years. Odin, fit the bill exactly and although i was too obtuse at the time to realize the significance of what happened, today i can savor the delicious irony of the whole situation and use that example to illustrate the “dangers” of asking for something in prayer. to this day, i have no regrets and the gift of Odin in my life, provided me with a path to learn how to have relationships and more than likely got me started down the path to my spiritual outlook today. i GOT exactly what i asked for, and so much more.
when i consider where i sit today, there is a sense of gratitude that i survived my early recovery, and if i was one to look for reasons beyond what i seem, touch and feel for why, i would have to attribute that survival to the POWER that fuels my recovery. as i grow up in recovery, my need to attribute what happened, has been diminished and i am comfortable saying that: “it is what it is.” whether or not that there was an active and creative HIGHER POWER guiding my actions is an argument for someone else to pursue. i am quite certain though, that all of what happened, had to happen, to create the person i am today, and whether or not it is superstitious recall or accurate reporting, i know what i feel today and as i sit here, i am starting to feel the stirrings of something greater growing inside of me. my assignment to uncover the “filter” for my next strep cycle, is finally starting to pay off. NOT thinking about what it should be and allowing myself to experience what it is i NEED to look at next, while a slow and seemingly fruitless process, seems to be working after all. just as acupuncture does not require any belief to work, “feeling” my way to the next right thing seems to be falling into that same category. i need not believe, just stop thinking and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, in whatever form IT may take, to help me to uncover what is already inside of me. today is a great day to be clean and a better day to just let go, breathe and see where i can be better than the average Don, just for today.

∞ DT ∞