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well the way today has started off, my will is definitely not being served. i could list the litany of unwanted events, mishaps and missteps that have dogged me since the alarm went off this but to what point, whining and complaining will not help me to accept that this is probably the way things were meant to be. and you know what - i am okay with that this morning. while the chaos is swirling around me very little is happening inside. yes i was angry at each little setback, but i quickly let go of that emotion and let myself restart my day (i am on the fifth) and move ahead with what needs to be done.
so the topic today was praying only for GOD'S will and not for specific things. of course i could go down the tangent about praying for something specific and then having to pray for it to be removed. or there is the track that what i was taught to do when i came to recovery was to stay clean today -- definitely falls into the GOD'S will bucket. but what i think i will explore is how GOD'S will has been affecting my life in recent days. i know that i have been fighting against it and trying with all my might to hold on to self-will to the very end. what has been happening is that the harder i tried to force results into my teeny-tiny concept of what i think i need, the further away they tended to get. and of course the further away from my desires they drifted the harder i tried to force the outcome. probably not a healthy feedback cycle -- the final result? i finally am really ready to let go and surrender my will and my life into the loving care of THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS -- claw marks and all. although i have a very vague idea of what GOD'S will is today, i do believe that i will walk in FAITH that it has to be better than my self-will. and for me, right here and right now that is a very important solution.
∞ DT ∞