Blog entry for:

all mine without effort, just for the asking. here is without a doubt, one of the strangest places i have ever been. a long, long time ago, for a period of time that felt like forever, this was my life. running around, willy-nilly, praying for this and that without any regard of what i would do if i actually got anything i was praying for. a case in point is a story i like to tell:
i once prayed for a relationship -- i was thinking as in the romantic sense, but i prayed for a relationship <BOOM> in less than three days i had a sponsee. so i said hmm, maybe i need to be a bit more specific, so i prayed for a relationship with someone who could love me unconditionally, and i ended up with a dog. not that my first sponsee, or Odin were bad consequences of my prayers, they both were certainly unexpected and back then, in my very Abrahamic view of the spiritual world, i took the lesson to mean that GOD, like genies, were very literal in making wishes come true.
well “Santa” GOD, has come and gone, and as i sit here in the first phases of STEP ELEVEN, i am wondering just how do i get knowledge of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, when it is outside of my spiritual landscape. listening is no problem, meditation certainly does fill that requirement, but the asking part is where i am stumbling all over. how does one approach something like that, and remain true to oneself? how does one, reconcile desire with need? how does one detach from results, while asking for knowledge of which way the wind happens to be blowing?
i could go on and on and on, but i am fairly certain you get the point, namely: based on my current spiritual view, i need to reconcile the very WESTERN notions, presented in the fellowship that has given me this new way of life, with the very EASTERN that i have developed, and figure out how to come out of the other side sane, whole and still a member of the no matter what club. of course, the easier, softer way still exists. all i have to is conform to the norm, let go of any critical thinking around the nature of GOD and ITs relationship with me, and then everything i am dealing with today, becomes moot.
it really boils down to be being true to myself and stumbling around in the dark, or denying what i feel, but rest securely in the spiritual construct of the majority of my peers.today? well just for today, i do believe i will be true to myself and allow myself to focus on the journey to an understanding of something beyond explanation anyhow.

∞ DT ∞