Blog entry for:

else for the consequences of my actions is certainly a familiar road for me to travel, after all, it has been a default action of mine for as long as i can remember. i want to blame my last employer for my current situation, even though it was my self-will and lack of commitment to sitting down and getting the job done for eight hours each and every work day that led to where i am now. i truly hate being the root cause of my problems and the “skills” i crafted and perfected in active recovery, can still serve me well today, especially when it comes to ignoring the screams of anguish and pain that are all around me, when i am acting out in selfish, self-centered self-will. over the next few days, i have three more opportunities to find a new position and i will be working to make a good impression and be honest about what skills i do and do not possess. i am not about to get myself in a situation that i cannot possibly grow into, and if growth is requires, i will make whatever effort it takes to fill that role.
leaving my current bit of self-pity behind for a minute, what i heard this morning, as i sat and listened was the voice of my self-confidence returning. i can honestly say that no matter how self-assured i may have been appearing to the world around me, i was was a self-disparaging and self-denigrating mess on the inside. as i prepare to post this and get my last outside workout for the next few days, under my belt, i know that i am still currently seeking a job, i am turning sixty-five in six weeks and i am still reeling from months of over-training. in balance, i am better prepared to demonstrate a skill or three, i am more confident in who i am and i am starting to get a clue or two about which recruiters to follow-up with and which are just looking for a warm body to fill their quotas. today, i see myself as more than just another warm body and as my unemployment gets closer and closer to kicking in, i am not drowning in a sea of financial worries and maybe, just maybe a frigid, wintry hike on Saturday is just what this addict needs to let go and be a part of his local community, once again. i also know that in eight days, i will have an opportunity to pound someone into dust, dwelling on their exercise of self-entitled, self-will. whether or not i will engage in that opportunity or not has yet to be determined but it is nice to know that i could be there and express my very strong opinion, if it feels as if it is the next correct thing to do. … and it is off to the streets i go.

∞ DT ∞