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i will cultivate my recovery and stop cultivating self-pity. quite nice, how this reading blends so well with the theme i started to develop yesterday. self-pity and victimhood are derived from the same root within me, and one feeds another, in a tight feedback loop. the nice part is that they are both easily defeated by an application of active recovery. a little whine for your morning consumption: even though the bus started in Longmont this morning, it was still late and the driver offered no explanation or apology. not that i expected one, or i guess i did, since here i sit whining about it! i chose to take the bus. the upshot of that is that i am powerless over when i get to Boulder. the nice part is that i am not the one who is dealing with the snow and ice and the crazy drivers who are either fearless or paralyzed with fear, leaving all the rational drivers fuming and frustrated. which group am i in? well the clue is that i am NOT driving to Boulder this morning. accepting that i am powerless is therefor a consequence of my very reduced stress and frustration level. :)
back to the topic of how victimhood and self-pity are related, at least in my view of the world. when i start to feel sorry for myself, i look for something, anything to change my feeling. blaming my circumstances on people places and things, is a familiar behavior and after accumulating a bit of clean time, it is not an activity that gets me very far. all that is left is to allow myself to be a victim of my addiction, which never does much either, but at least the fact that i am and will continue to be an addict is unchanging, hence it is an old reliable fallback position and then i can pity myself, blaming all my woes on addiction and none of them on myself, my decisions or my behaviors. voilà, i am saved once again from the agony of having to look at my part and actually allow myself to grow. being a victim of my addiction allows me to wallow in self-pity, self-pity allows me to be a victim of addiction.
it always amazes me how this cycle, seems to feed my need to feel entitled to something. of course, entitlement create expectations, and of course expectations create resentments and the next thing i realize is somehow, i am using again, like i never stopped. back to the top. stopping this cycle before the end becomes inevitable is what i desire this morning. one of my friends who is running and gunning, and generally burning down all that he has built, gave me the inspiration for this topic today, and has provided me enough material, that i can see for myself, where my self-destructive tendencies can take me. the reading suggests a bit of gratitude to counter the destructive behavior of self-pity. yes it is a behavior and not a feeling, in my lexicon. it is a reaction to my dissatisfaction with how my life looks today, or better put, how i perceive my life looks today. i know, that my perceptions are filtered through the part of me, i call addiction and are generally suspect for that very reason. as i sit here on the bus, i can certainly be frustrated that the bus is not moving fast enough, started late and is so full that i have to share my row, with another rider. more than enough to get the self-pity train rolling. flipping that, i am not sitting in the same traffic, in my car, swearing at the feebs and noobs who have no idea on how to drive on snow and ice, fuming about how they are so clueless about who i am and where i am going. grateful i get to be present for this exercise, not pay attention to the road and the other drivers and will arrive at work calm, collected and with no new bumps and grinds on my old reliable automobile. yes i am grateful that i have a job, a car and the means to get to the place that puts bread in my pocket for doing something i like doing anyhow. it does not suck to be me today and i can be grateful that i have this life, beyond my wildest dreams.

∞ DT ∞