Blog entry for:
Sun, Feb 21, 2010 09:04:27 AM
« in order to shield myself from reality, i used self-pity as a survival mechanism. »
posted: Sun, Feb 21, 2010 09:04:27 AM
with this tool in hand, i did not have to accept the need for change, despite the mounting evidence that i was destroying myself day by day. in fact, my denial was so complete, that to this day, i can still say that using was working for me, although the relief i was seeking, was more and more temporary as time went by.
so what in the world does self-pity have to with me today? i can easily drop back into the ‘poor me’ mode with very little effort. after all, i cannot run because once again it has snowed overnight. therefore i am a victim of the weather, and since i cannot take care of myself in the manner that i desire, i might as well get sad. and if i get sad, well that must mean this whole recovery gig is not worth it. and if this recovery gig is not worth the effort, then staying clean is pointless. and there you have it, the chain of thought that leads to me deciding that using is the most attractive choice i can make.
so the tools of recovery can combat and break this chain at the beginning by exploding the basic premise. yes, it is snowing, and yes it is true that i cannot work out as i desire HOWEVER there is always the exercise equipment in the basement and besides it did not just snow on me, it snowed on everyone, so while i may allow myself to be victimized by the weather, i am in the boat as everyone else in town. recovery provides the means for me to shift my focus off of myself and see a larger picture. of course if i choose to, i can always return to the chain of thought that IF i had not been sentenced to live where i live by the judicial system, i would not be bemoaning the fact that once again the weather has once again kept me from doing what i want to do. so the battle is once again engaged!
what a bunch of effort that accomplishes nothing. today i can see it for what it was, and what it could be, the chain of lies necessary for me to use one more time, after all, that is what i will tell myself just before i started to fix. the amazing part of all of this, is how easy i could write down the chain of lies that leads to the BIG ONE, that i can use just once. that is a lie for sure, but the one i NEED to accept, IF i want to choose to use today, which right here and right now, is not what i want to do. what i do want to do, is get moving into something productive, as it did snow several inches overnight,, and as the sun is sort of peeking through the clouds, i do think the next right thing would be to go outside and rearrange the snow one more time. into the breech i go, just for today.
so what in the world does self-pity have to with me today? i can easily drop back into the ‘poor me’ mode with very little effort. after all, i cannot run because once again it has snowed overnight. therefore i am a victim of the weather, and since i cannot take care of myself in the manner that i desire, i might as well get sad. and if i get sad, well that must mean this whole recovery gig is not worth it. and if this recovery gig is not worth the effort, then staying clean is pointless. and there you have it, the chain of thought that leads to me deciding that using is the most attractive choice i can make.
so the tools of recovery can combat and break this chain at the beginning by exploding the basic premise. yes, it is snowing, and yes it is true that i cannot work out as i desire HOWEVER there is always the exercise equipment in the basement and besides it did not just snow on me, it snowed on everyone, so while i may allow myself to be victimized by the weather, i am in the boat as everyone else in town. recovery provides the means for me to shift my focus off of myself and see a larger picture. of course if i choose to, i can always return to the chain of thought that IF i had not been sentenced to live where i live by the judicial system, i would not be bemoaning the fact that once again the weather has once again kept me from doing what i want to do. so the battle is once again engaged!
what a bunch of effort that accomplishes nothing. today i can see it for what it was, and what it could be, the chain of lies necessary for me to use one more time, after all, that is what i will tell myself just before i started to fix. the amazing part of all of this, is how easy i could write down the chain of lies that leads to the BIG ONE, that i can use just once. that is a lie for sure, but the one i NEED to accept, IF i want to choose to use today, which right here and right now, is not what i want to do. what i do want to do, is get moving into something productive, as it did snow several inches overnight,, and as the sun is sort of peeking through the clouds, i do think the next right thing would be to go outside and rearrange the snow one more time. into the breech i go, just for today.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
∞ self-pity and recovery ∞ 255 words ➥ Monday, February 21, 2005 by: donnot∞ replacing self-pity with gratitude ∞ 469 words ➥ Tuesday, February 21, 2006 by: donnot
∞ self-pity is a tool of our disease; ∞ 444 words ➥ Wednesday, February 21, 2007 by: donnot
μ as long as i could feel sorry for myself and blame someone else for my troubles, μ 485 words ➥ Thursday, February 21, 2008 by: donnot
Σ in active addiction, i used self-pity as a survival mechanism. Σ 535 words ➥ Saturday, February 21, 2009 by: donnot
‰ self-pity is one of the most destructive of defects ‰ 684 words ➥ Monday, February 21, 2011 by: donnot
ℑ self-pity or recovery ℑ 572 words ➥ Tuesday, February 21, 2012 by: donnot
♦ i will be grateful for the hope this fellowship has given me ♦ 755 words ➥ Thursday, February 21, 2013 by: donnot
τ self-pity is a tool of addiction τ 420 words ➥ Friday, February 21, 2014 by: donnot
½ when i believe that i am powerless to change ½ 608 words ➥ Saturday, February 21, 2015 by: donnot
❋ self-pity or recovery — 736 words ➥ Sunday, February 21, 2016 by: donnot
❽ cultivating my recovery ❽ 625 words ➥ Tuesday, February 21, 2017 by: donnot
🌟 an alternative 🌟 625 words ➥ Wednesday, February 21, 2018 by: donnot
😭 cultivating self-pity 😰 522 words ➥ Thursday, February 21, 2019 by: donnot
🌀 choosing to be 🌀 503 words ➥ Friday, February 21, 2020 by: donnot
🌫 my choice 🌫 280 words ➥ Sunday, February 21, 2021 by: donnot
👈 blaming someone 👉 505 words ➥ Monday, February 21, 2022 by: donnot
😭 self-pity, 😭 516 words ➥ Tuesday, February 21, 2023 by: donnot
🙏 FAITH 🙏 420 words ➥ Wednesday, February 21, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
2) When harmony no longer prevailed throughout the six kinships, filial
sons found their manifestation; when the states and clans fell into
disorder, loyal ministers appeared.