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it is MY choice. do not misunderstand here, these are not mutually exclusive states, i can be in a state of self-pity, even when living an active program of recovery. active recovery, however, limits the amount of time i will pity myself and feel self-pitiful.
where was i going with this? well after nearly finishing all that i need to accomplish before heading out to see the DEAD POOL, i look to my peers for examples of how they live lives that are not steeped in self-pity. the ones that do not dwell in this house of misery seem to have a few common attributes. they are connected to the fellowship, they attend meetings on a regular basis, the are working steps, albeit slowly, but working them nevertheless and most importantly they have some sort of conscious contact with a HIGHER POWER. it seems that they can transverse the most heinous set of circumstances and stay clean, which i see as a success. then there are my peers, who dwell in that hose of misery. their lives suck and nothing is ever good enough for them. if only, i hear them exclaim, i had more money, a different job, a new partner and on and on and on. they are stuck in the trap of desire, topped off by a more than a hefty dose of needing more and more. being a person who has experienced both sides of that coin, i can say that living in active recovery and doing my best to take what comes, ids far easier and less exhausting than dwelling in the house of pain. the worst part of that house? it is the fact that i built it myself, barred the doors and windows, security locked it up tight and flushed the key down the toilet. do not get me wrong, i am not saying that is the case for any of my peers, that is the case for me, and because i know where that particular journey always will end up for me, i choose to find a different path, as quickly as possible.
those who know me, also know that i tend to be a bit dark in my outlook and humor and more than a bit cynical. with that background, it would be quite easy to slip into that house of pain, and stay there. after all, when one truly considers the world around them, there is no justice, unless i am willing to pay for it. there is however, more than enough mercy to go around, for which i am grateful. it is in the grace of that mercy, i find my HOPE, and discover that there is a slightly less darker way to look at my world and my place within it. i get up and decide that today i will stay clean and ask for the power to do so, from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i have made my decision then and there and as i walk through my day i “feel” my way to the next right thing to do, even it sucks. i was not happy nor joyful, forcing my family to accept the reality to move on, and yet it had to be done, so i can move on. day in and day out, i live in a world that presents all sorts of choices, and sometimes what looks like the most heinous, is actually the best one for me to make. i have a POWER that fuels my recovery, and that POWER provides me the spiritual abundance to feel and do the next right thing. i have step work in front of me and keep in touch with members of my fellowship, in fact most of my social life, revolves around my peers in recovery. perhaps, at least for me, i have a vision of the man i wish to grow into, and by that yardstick i can see that i am succeeding in getting there. as a result, the world may not turn in the manner in which i desire, and although i may get pissed off and petulant about that, i need not live in self-pity for any longer than i want to. for me, there is a choice and self-pity is not where i want to be today, just for today.

∞ DT ∞