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i did not want believe there was an alternative to living in a different manner. using this **survival mechanism,** led me closer, day by day, to self-destruction, i was so desperate to achieve.
so on the surface, i hear the part about the self-pity, and blame, that helped keep me isolated from those who could help me get better. BUT. what this reading seems to neglect to mention is the measure of on-going self-pity that may or may not be present in my current life. yes i once again started a sentence with a big but, and this morning, like most mornings i do not care, after all, if this was some sort of scholarly paper, being presented before a bunch of sticklers, and graded on usage as well as grammar and syntax, i would have failed long ago.
i digress, and that bit of digression, is how the character defect of self-pity seems to pop up in my daily life from time to time. as my sponsor likes to remind me, if i am still practicing a behavior it is hardly **OLD**, a more apt term is familiar. the use self-pity in my daily life, is quiet and insidious. no longer does it scream to me, that what a victim i am, how bad i have it, and if only they would…
no instead it tells me how correct i ma in harboring a grudge against some slight, and how justified i am in nurturing that grudge into a full-blown resentment. instead it tells me, that it is a waste of my time to sponsor the relapse kings that have chosen to ask me to sponsor them, after all, they really are beyond hope. instead it whispers that if i am not respected, i am not valued, and if i have no value, then what is the point of this whole recovery gig, after all, i know how to use, and send my feelings of being undervalued into the bit bucket of chemically-induced bliss. so once again, i set myself up for failure, and this is the greatest failure of all, letting self-pity drive me into a corner where i can see no way out except for using.
the reading also suggests a way out; using the tools of recovery to combat the toxic effects of self-pity. it has been my experience, that they do work, not nearly as fast as a quick dose of something, but a helluva lot longer, and i do not need to fix again, when i allow the tools of the program to fix me.
so today, regardless of what the character defect of self-pity tells me, i know i have value, and no matter how disrespected i feel, i will treat the object of my contempt with all the respect that i desire. regardless of how little value others may place on my contribution, i know that my worth is really irrelevant to anyone save myself. i can and will recover today. so on that hopeful note, i think i will go pound a bit of pavement, on this bright and chilly morning.

∞ DT ∞