Blog entry for:

reservations and responsibility (or lack thereof) -- over the past three days i have written about the triumvirate of the part of me i call addiction. although any on of those is sufficient to spin me back down the path to active addiction, all three of them are certainly more than a little drop of poison that allows me the freedom to discount what recovery has done and continues to do for me. self-pity seems to carry the most weight as it is often the jumping off point into the other two and the smoke and mirrors of rationalization and justification. after all, my internal meme seems to say, it really is not my fault that i am in this less than stellar situation, i am just another addict and what did i and those around me really expect? the slope spirals down from there getting steeper and more slippery as my excuse start to fly.
the good news? because i have a minute clean and some understanding of how this recovery gig works, i can, when i choose to do so, stop the voice of the part of me i call addiction from influencing what i choose to do next. life inside my world is far from heinous and i choose to do what i can do for myself. it is true that i got pissed off yesterday when someone refused to attempt to do for themself, something that was absolutely within their physical capabilities. i walked out of that situation before i exploded all over them. that may not have been the best course of action, as swallowing emotions and the aftermath of that behavior, provided more than enough “see what you made me do,” to justify getting all sorts of FUBAR.
once again, i am on top of some issues at work. usually in the early mornings i can write this in peace but i always keep an eye out for stuff that may affect our team. i certainly want to prove value to my current employer, which i had come to believe i was failing at, miserably. i do feel better than i did a week ago about what i am and am not contributing to my job. now that the issue and the fix has been identified, i can dress pout and hit the concrete for an hour of sweating to the oldies. ㈴ it is a good day to be clean and hopefully a day where i can be an asset to my employer, rather than a liability. it is also a good day to be okay accepting that the world is not perfect, there is no real justice and that those who have are doing all that they can to keep those who have not for getting their clutches on anything more. it is, after all, what it is and no amount of self-pity is going to change any of that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞