Blog entry for:

OR living a program of active recovery, the choice is certainly mine to make, just for today.
this is one of those readings where **DUH,** is always my first response. of course i left self-pity in the bit bucket of my past and of course i live today, in a fully active mode of recovery, 'nuff said, time to move along. when i further examine my motives for being so dismissive, i get a bit of understanding that i see what i want to see and spin my world to match that version of reality. i actually am quite fond of living in self-pity and blaming others for my troubles, i am not sure if that is addiction or just being human, but whatever it is, it is a very comfortable place. when i sit and allow the meaning of this reading to wash over me, it often feels as if ants are crawling over my skin, as recent examples of playing the blame game and living in a world of “woe is me,” bubble up to the surface. what i have to face, is that this is not a binary situation and even though i am doing a fairly good job of living in active recovery, am still subject to bouts of self-pity and looking externally for someone or something to cast the blame on for my current set of “issues.” as i came to grips with this dichotomy this morning, there was some relief as i saw that i am not some sort of recovery guru, highly evolved individual or spiritual giant. i am just another addict in recovery, doing his best to thrive in a world where thriving is certainly a task that requires constant work.
moving on to an issue that came to my attention last night and was deferred until later: my willingness to invest time and resources into a sponsee who drifted back into active addiction and once again id facing legal consequences. i am less than thrilled with his behavior and i know i am powerless over the choices he made. the fact that he waited until hi ass was once again in a sling to try and contact me, makes it even worse. i am trying to grow a bit of willingness and get over the bucket full of “negative” feelings i have, without much success. as this day goes on and i let go of the knot of stuff that i am feeling, i am sure that i will be able to respond to his request and do the next right thing for me, even though i have yet to see it. life in active recovery is like that, all sorts of grey areas, very few binary choices and finding the shade of grey that is correct for me today, is the tricky part. here is a perfect example of allowing myself to feel my way to the solution and be okay with what i decide to do. time to sign off and head off to the salt mines.

∞ DT ∞