Blog entry for:

i do NOT have to accept the need for change. moving along on that train of thought, IF i do not see a NEED for change, then i need not do anything for my recovery and as i slide into a state of being where i get more and more pwned by addiction, i will certainly reach a state of misery, where using looks like an excellent choice. self-pity and denial of what i am, are how i go from being in active recovery ⇒ active addiction and i see it in myself as well as those around me.
for those around me, there is very little i can do. if they do not ask, there is no reason for me to point out what i may see. in those instances i am, truly powerless. for myself, well that is certainly a different story, and one i will get back to in a few hours.
i am back, after a bit of work, showing up somewhere without a key, more work, a ride over to my home group with a sponsee, home group meeting and step work with that same sponsee on the way home. sounds like i did a whole lot, but most of all, it was just app part of the pattern, which will probably include a nap after i finish writing this. thinking about what i was going to write, and what has happened over the course of the past few hours, what was, is no more and now i have a new context to decide what to write about..
once upon a time, and not that long ago, my hashtag would have probably been #FML, life sucked, i had no future, i had no one to love and i was on the way outside looking in, and being angry and resentful that i COULD not have what i was others enjoying, envy and anger, fueled my rage and i spun down, maybe not to the point of using, but certainly into a life of misery. of course, i never shared any of that with anyone, because how would it look? me of all people living in a miserable state. well some days clean, some steps and more importantly believing that i had to change and allowing the process to happen, reduced that misery into non-existence and i lost the ability to live in a state of self-pity. ironically i have friends that decided that they too, were incapable of letting go of who they thought they were and and believing they were incapable of doing and being anything more, are choosing to use. when i catch a glimpse of them, virtually or in reality, i am struck by how little they have left and the direction that their lives have taken. couch-surfing and slinging dope, to survive is not what i want for my life today. no i want to become the man i have always wanted to be, and that will only come through direct application of the program of recovery. self-pity? yes there are times when i still fall into that, to say anything else would be a flat out lie. the difference today, is that i have the ability to see where i have come from and where i am going, so i need not live there. and not living there, is the key to being grateful for one more day clean.
yes it is time to lay down and relax for a few, as in NAP-TIME, so be well and try and stay out of the snowbanks.

∞ DT ∞