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i did not have to accept the consequences of my actions; believing myself powerless to change, i did not have to accept the need for change. self-pity as a survival mechanism. am interesting thought the cold and grey Thursday morning, but one that i probably need to run with for right now. no not the cold and grey, i am powerless over the weather, thew other part, you know learning how to thrive. i am now beginning to see what a powerful tool denial truly is for the part of me i call my addict. yes i know how it worked in the beginning to keep me from accepting recovery, but lately it is still evident in my life. the focus of my shield of denial has shifted, and as a result, it is less evident to me, after all, i am always the last one to know anything about me. it will be good to enter a new phase in service work over the course of the next couple months, so i can once again get back to basics for me. so how does all of this relate to self-pity? well, part of my current set of behaviors has been dissatisfaction with the direction my home group has let its meetings take. being who and what i am, i took that dissatisfaction out on one of the trusted servants who runs a meeting. i was arrogant, controlling and lacked any tact at all, par for the course. of course i see who was wrong in this situation, and it was not her.
i am finally coming to see exactly what my problem is. i purport to have detached emotionally from this group, but being the big fish in this very little pond is something i like. using the power that comes from that is also something i like. so here i sit being arrogant and controlling and wrapping it up in whatever spiritual principle i need at the moment to justify my behavior. and the ironic part is my justification, i am not being served by my home group, so i have a right to kick a$$ and take names, after all who was it that sustained this group from the start of time as he sees it!
well it only get more ridiculous from there, needless to say, i have decided to change home groups for a while, help a new group get up and going as one of the members, make my amends to the trusted servants i jumped all over and see if there is any way in hell that i can start writing my SEVENTH STEP. quite an agenda for this chock full of stuff day. so off to walk the dog and to see how i can make the world a little less bad today.

∞ DT ∞