Blog entry for:

drained of all **positive energy,** is not a spiritual choice i would willingly make, and yet... okay before i go on with this a huge disclaimer has to be put in place: i am not a fan of labeling emotions, behaviors, or spiritual conditions as positive or negative. i am also not a fan of using the term **energy** to describe the dynamics of those various states of being. in fact, i think the term energy is so misapplied when it comes to the human condition, that it ends up as more of a **feel good** piece of psycho-babble bullsh!t. on that bright and cheery note, off to the races.
the reading plainly states that a life based on self-pity, is one that is not focused on active recovery. i do not need to lump my choice of being self-pitying into a bucket of “negative” energy, as it is obvious to me that self-pity is one of the ways i get “stuck.” when i choose, and for me anyhow it is a choice, to dwell in that house of pain and look at everyone and everything in the world as my oppressors, i am denying myself access to the personal power i do have. in a heartbeat, i go from being a powerful addict, living a program of active recovery, to a poor, woe-filled, bedraggled soul, being stuck on the rocks in the raging whitewater rapids of life. it is not as if life will always be serene and navigable, but when i abdicate my power, it becomes so much less so. how do i know? i have been in that spot as recently as just the other day, as i raged against the chaos i invited into my life. taking action yesterday, helped me to feel more “positive” about a part of my life that was weighing me down.
this morning, i am keeping myself from jumping into self-will. i want to help and am now trying to plan my next step, an eleven hour road trip. twice now, i have started an e-mail stating when i would like to make this journey and twice now, i decided that perhaps waiting until later today would be the next right thing to do. GAWD, i hate sitting on my hands and allowing things to unfold. i know where my power lays in this situation and as the day unfolds, i will understand better what i need to do. of course, being the sort of person i am, i have put a deadline on the next step, saying that if i have not heard back by noon, then i need to provide a gentle nudge and let them know what works for me. more will certainly be revealed and just for right now, i am no longer a victim in this situation, i am an addict doing his best to see how things will play out, just for today.

∞ DT ∞