Blog entry for:

is no longer something i aspire to. even a spiritual **guru** is to heavy of a burden for this addict to carry. what i do aspire top be, just for today, is just another addict in recovery who is living the program to the best of his ability and using the experience of my chain of just for yesterdays to live a better life in active recovery, today. as i sat this morning a couple of very disparate notions bubbled up to the surface and neither were what i call based in any d=sort of “pure” motives.
the first was that i become a martyr on the altar of someone else's self-will. suffering in near silence, but just saying enough to point out how terrible they were and how deep they injured me. been there, done that, got the T-shirt and i am quite satisfied that not saying anything, even if asked is the best course of action. after all, it is my stuff, not their's that is the basis of my decision. i also no longer wish to play any sort of victim to anyone else. that too, is a game i am quite familiar with and find to be no longer very attractive. i have given up enough of what little personal power that i do have, to far too may people: peers in recovery, family members, fraudsters, scammers and society at large. this morning was i walked through the neighborhoods i realized that i will never, ever be getting any of that power back, so it is time to stop spewing across the landscape and be a better steward of the resources i do possess.

Derek W.
Congrats on Fifteen (15) years clean.

the other notion that seemed to come out of nowhere is what will it take for me to get funds flowing into my bank accounts again? it feels as if i am doing all that i can do and i have to turn down any sort of offer. i know that the path i have been on the past several weeks, is making me a better developer. as i have to think in and write code, best on the algorithms that i learned a long, long time ago. i have been trying to decide whether or not i would be taking this afternoon off and just chilling, or even worse, play a computer game while i smoke a cigar. the consensus feels like i should take my computer to the cigar store and work on the programming game i have been doing lately and leave my coding assignment aside for the day. that is far from written in stone and i have some time to come to a decision, one way or another. for right now, i think i will finish my laundry, get my steps done for the day and see what i feel like in thirty minutes. i can let go of that decision go for the next thirty minutes.

∞ DT ∞