Blog entry for:

IF i look at myself realistically, i can see that i am been doing better than i thought. well with the driver forgetting to put on the reading lights i get some practice with touch typing today. when this reading comes up every year, or i should say this year, i get the chance to really assess where i am in my program and see if the yardstick of the purest of motives for my behaviors is present. i vacillate between two extremes in this regards, either my motives are ALWAYS self-serving and selfish OR they are as pure as the the driven snow to use an old cliché most of the time there is no in between, so the yardstick is either infinitely small or large, depending on which end of that continuum i happen to be on today. neither place is realistic and either place is somewhere that i can beat myself up.
selfish motives? see how fVCKED i am, i will never get any better!
pure motives? really? seriously? dud you are living in some sort of dream world that bears no resemblance to the real world.
any way i look at this i lose.
there is however a cure for the black white world view that this is derived from, it is called an honest and thorough TENTH STEP! knowing that all of my motives are, AT BEST, mixed and accepting that fact, allows me to own being human. knowing that addiction takes that one step beyond, forces me to examine what i am doing and why i am doing it. the irony here is that i just told a sponsee to stop worrying about the whys and start to look at the whens and the hows, and here i am looking at why i am doing what i am doing. the difference here, is that he has yet to have been gifted a 10TH Step, and i have been given that particular tool. honestly, i do not dwell on the whys for very long, IF they pop up, i examine them and see what behaviors they are driving and learn to be present earlier in the process. it really is that simple, at least when i allow it to be.
my motive for writing this? well if i dwell in the purest i could say, it is my chance to share with those in recovery my thoughts on the daily reading and a bit of my experience. strength and hope. in the sickest most cynical? see how spiritual i am! i write and let the world see what is going on inside of me, man am i great! realistically, it is both and more than likely a whole lot more. i know that when i get a chance to do this, or MAKE the opportunity to do this, i feel better and my day seems a little less addict-like and a bit more HP-like. it makes me feel good, so that is my reward for doing it every day, typical addict behavior, that i can use to further my recovery. nice work when you can find it!
it was quite the weekend, spiritually as well as materially. as i sit here riding into the rising sun, i can feel grateful that i spoke to everyone i spoke to, i gave everything i could give and i was the best man i could be in the moments that comprised all that i did over the past two days. was i some sort of spiritual giant, YES in discrete slices of time, i acted with pure motives and was part of the plan that the POWER that fuels my recovery had for me. was i a self-centered and selfish human addict? yes, also in discrete moments of time when all that i did was to look good, feel different or get away. most of the time, i was somewhere in between and my motives had elements of self interest as well as selflessness in them. i accept that, and will work on allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to change me into a more selfless person, just for today.

∞ DT ∞