Blog entry for:

opens the door. which door and why should i go through any of them? certainly an interesting question to ponder as i drove down to the office and made it here with very little stress and chaos. traffic was a bit slow on the North side of town, in the usual places and the sun was in my eyes as i traversed South towards my destination. i did however, have a few minutes to chew on my cigar and consider how powerless i was as i sat in the parking lot on I-25 and although i was more than a bit frustrated, i never let myself go down the path of thinking that in that moment it sucked to be me. considering what personal power i had in that particular situation, i came to the conclusion that the “the door” that i needed to go through was the one that allowed me to let go, enjoy the tunes and not get all butt-hurt about traffic, in fact i even let a few folks merge in, in front of me.
going down the path to what it felt like nine thousand or so days ago, when i still believed i was the all powerful Don, realize that the smoke and mirrors that i used to deny what and who i was, might just have been a defensive position to keep myself from drinking the recovery Kool-Ade. i know today, that i am just as powerless over the part of me i call addiction, as i was way back before i even hd the desire to claim that i was an addict. the power that i have accumulated over the course of a minute clean, is that these days, i have the ability to be present and respond to stimuli, rather than react to those situations that could drive me out of any sort of serenity and balance. it is not that i always remember what power i do have and do not rail against being powerless, heck i am far from doing this gig in any sort of perfect manner, but i do it in a more than adequate manner most of the time.
last night, i forgot about all of that and went to be angry, because i was not getting the response i wanted in the time frame i desired. it could have been worse, but i no longer justify bad behavior with: well at least i stayed clean. 🤨 this morning i have a lot of stuff to accomplish at work and need to get rolling on my project. i do have power over how much work i do in a day and the quality of that work. today, i am shooting for completion and bug-free results. i need a bit more coffee and a walk to loosen up my “unhealthy” leg. what i am taking away from writing this down is that the door that i chose to enter, once upon a time, when i finally decided that i needed something more and i was an addict of some sort, was the one that led me to recovery.today i KNOW i am just another garden variety addict, no different than my peers in recovery, even though our paths to the door of recovery may not have looked the same and our journey once we went through that door, varies in detail and commitment. i am committed to staying clean and being more than just adequate, just for today.

∞ DT ∞