Blog entry for:

better than i have been feeling. there are certainly more than one direction i can take this reading this morning. in the past i usually have glommed onto the part about my motives and how **PURE** they may or may not be. that has been and will continue to be a fun and edgy topic for me, but in reality, i will never practice or possess **PURE** anything. even the lies i tell myself are not **PURE** bullsh!t, there is always an element of truth to them. i am grateful that the only expectation of perfection and spiritual evolution into some sort of guru is mine, and that can be dealt with, and dismissed through the process of active recovery. my sponsor, my family members, my peers, my coworkers and my friends do not put any sort of expectation of becoming **PURE,** in their opinion up[on me, so all i have top do, is feel reality and the reality is, that i am doing better than i feel i am doing.
yes it is my expectations that fuel my dissatisfaction with my recovery progress. all i have to do, is cast a critical eye back upon where i was when i was sitting in that jail cell nineteen years ago, because i could NOT stay cl;lean, and the distance between that man and the man who is writing this little exercise is quite astounding. back in those times, i was incarcerated and it was everyone else's fault especially the rat bastard who ratted me out and got my avalanche of legal troubles to come down and crash on me. as i struggled under the weight of my legal consequences, even then it was not my use of drugs that was the problem, it was getting caught. today, i see that event the the processes put in place by that event, to be an amazing gift of grace. being forced to be abstinent, even for a couple of years was just what this addict needed to get ‘it.’ before i forget:

Derek W
NINE (9) count 'em, years
of doing this gig, Just for Today.
Congrats my friend, KEEP COMING BACK!

where was i? oh yeah, that's right, back in those days between darkness and light, the twilight, as it were of my active using, or the half full manner of looking at it the dawn of my recovery. either way there was change upon me and even if i was stuffed into a very square hole, i was determined to survive and FVCK YOU ALL VERY MUCH!
across the course of my recovery career, or journey, once again depending upon how i want to look at it, there have been some very defining moments. at each of those moments, had i taken a different direction, things would have been quite different. of course that is a Captain Obvious sort of statement, but there are times when i am not all that sure i am doing better, that i NEED to look at those crossroads as it were and see that no matter how impure or even suspect my motives were, i needed up doing the next right thing. the fact that i did do what ended up to be the next right thing, is illustrative of how my program has gone. i have often done things and made choices based upon how i thought it would make me look in the eyes of my peers. looking better than i am actually feeling has been one of the overarching themes of my recovery. when i entered committee service, is was not necessarily just to serve my recovery community, it was to boost my status in that community as well. each and every step i took through the levels of the service structure, added prestige and my ultimate goal was to sit upon the board of addicts that oversees it all. today, i serve because i want to serve, and my service is much more personal and intimate than i could ever have achieved as part of the service structure. my motives today are more **PURE** than ever and yet, there is still a part of me that longs for the recognition from my peers and community, i cannot dent that fact. what i can do, however, is to counter that state,met with an abiding sense of accomplishment, when my service efforts result in just one more addict getting a clue and stepping into the rooms, just for a minute.
ironically, i remember what my sponse asked me, several steps ago, about what i feel when i serve the fellowship. at the time, i knew it was a rhetorical question and i was stymied for an answer,. today i can say, i feel proud to be a part of something that can change lives. i feel joy, when just for s second i see that “ah-ha” flash on the face of a still suffering addict. i feel sad when the message falls on deaf ears, but hoep=ful that the seed will be planted. most of all i feel grateful that i can carry the message into the darkest and dankest places in my neck of the woods and give someone else the chance to get this freedom as well. oh yeah, and there is certain a bit of pride when i am cornered and need to reply who and where do i serve the fellowship that has given me recovery. i am far from cured today, but i am getting better.

∞ DT ∞