Blog entry for:

mixed motives behind almost everything i do, no sense in denying that. i do NOT have SUPREME recovery, i am not a spiritual giant or guru and my peers in recovery are as deserving of my respect as i am of theirs. there are time, when i just cannot sit still be silent and not say anything about how i see them behaving or what the fVck they are saying. then just as i am about to send out a whole lot of unsolicited advice or say something in public that is demeaning, demoralizing and painfully accurate, this reading kicks in, and i have to ask myself what are my motives here? but first i have a bit of fan mail from some flounder:

Derek W,
a decade of “just for todays.”
Congrats my friend, i for one, am glad you stuck around.

one of the the things that really chaps my hide, is someone saying how fVcking proud they are of themselves because they “stayed clean” for two or more days in a row. this goes to the notion that somehow clean time is equal to recovery, and just because they have so many days clean, that all of a sudden they know something. been there, done that, got more than one T-shirt. i really did believe that longevity in abstinence made me some kind of special addict, and the longer i stayed clean the more special i became. i used to believe that knowledge came from abstinence and that wisdom flowed from my experience of just not using. as i grow up in recovery, i see more and more that what i think and believe is in a radical need for a bit of change, just about every day, and the advice i gave to a peer and a friend the other day, needs to be implemented in my life. do my actions and behaviors, match my words, or am i hiding a pile of shite under a boat load of spiritual camouflage? staying clean and living a program of recovery are not the same thing and when i am an a$$hole, i am a poor reflection of the man i wish to become. so when i see my peers doing what they ought not to, are my motives simply to help them find a path to behaving better, or is it to slice them to little pieces to make myself feel superior and a little more SUPREME? or is it, a mix of those two named motives and a whole sh!t ton of others?
it does not really matter, these days, i am more aware of what i am doing in real-time, and am seeking a practical, spiritual path for me to follow. to those who stayed clean yesterday and are choosing to do so today, congrats, you probably made the correct decision, at least in my not so humble opinion. for those who are coming, welcome, you are probably in the right place. finally for those noodling around with the idea that maybe they want something different -- the doors are open and you have earned your seat. for me, well congrats for not tearing apart one or more of my peers, because i justify it to be the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞