Blog entry for:

i often find that i am doing better than i am feeling.
there are certainly a few different directions i can go with this, the reading spoke about motives, once it got past the quote, and i know in the past i have written about the so-called purity or lack thereof of my motives.there is also the theme that what i think is going on inside of me, is not reality, that i am actually further along in the healing process of recovery than i tell myself, in that insidious self-talk that fills my head most of the time. sometimes, it is fortunate how two seemingly dissimilar topics can be linked. it is the part of me that i call addiction, that rules the self-talk most of the time. that part of me does not want me to do anything to further the healing process of recovery. as sad as it is, that is the self-destructive and yes, suicidal part that is ever present within. it seems that no matter how diligent i am in living a program, i cannot be rid of this part of me, and as the program suggests, i NEED to accept it as reality and use the my recovery program as a foil to this force within.
so when it comes to looking at my motives, it is the part of me that looks for the worst of all possible outcomes. this part sees ulterior and often self-seeking motives in all i do. in fact it can tell me that writing this is just an appeal to my vain side, i can show others what a recovery guru i am, because i share on the internet nearly every day. i could argue how untrue that is, but i am vain creature, and there is a certain satisfaction that at least one person comes and reads what i write about whatever. so say anything else would be a lie. there is however for me, a strange feeling of catharsis in writing and posting these musings for anyone or no one to read. for me, i GET to spend time to think about what i read, and process the ideas that have arisen from that reading through a keyboard and internet connection. i never have been one that liked to journal, and i trick myself into thinking that this is not, however the reality creeps in when i really consider what this exercise is and is not. so are my motives pure or am i even sure what motivates me to write this? i am sure that a psychoanalyst could have a blast helping me to figure it all out. instead of running for professional help, which i might need, i feel so right doping this, that i think i will just keep writing on, regardless if this is just playing to my vanity or not.
i could waste hours each and every day, considering each and every decision like that and in the long run would get nothing at all done. the reading does not suggest that in any way, it says:
when i stop&hellip i see.
even as i am getting down to the end of this, i am beginning to GET that i whether or not i do the right thing for the right reasons, the important thing is that i am doing the next right thing. i do find that the ends do not justify the means, and i get tied up in that lots of time, but when i look over my actions at the end of my day, most of the time i discover that no matter how mixed my motives were for one action or another, they all come back to the point that i am doing all of this to stay clean today and to become more than i was yesterday. if that means better looking because i shed some fat cells, or better adjusted because i drop some of my insanity into the bits and bytes that is the online world, then i am better off for my actions and i am living a program or recovery, instead of just toeing the party line and looking like i am living a program. i can be more today and will be more today than i woke up being, if i let go, take a step forward in FAITH and allow the process to work, instead of second-guessing everything that i do.
IF I ALLOW MYSELF, TO LIVE IN FAITH, MY MOTIVES WILL BE PURE.

∞ DT ∞