Blog entry for:

doing better than i think i am, is always an interesting question and one that i can dwell on for hours. the reality probably is that i am, in that my actions are motivated less be self-interest than ever before. the reading this morning was all about motives and how pure mine might actually be. there are a lot of things i do out of self-interest that actually benefit those around me. there are things i do that benefit those around me, so i can look better than i am feeling. and there are certainly things i do purely for myself that minimally affect the world around me. if i had to take the time to inventory all that i plan on doing in a given day, before i got up and started my day, i would “get to” laze around for at least another hour. what i have discovered in the minute i have been clean, is that looking ahead to my plans may be well and good, but it is my decisions in real-time, whether i zig or zag, that really make all the difference.

Derek W,
Congrats on SIXTEEN (XVI) years clean.

looking ahead at this day, i know i have to go participate in a remembrance of a person who i had come to find one of those toxic people in my life and who i avoided as much as possible. my motives are certainly mixed, starting with how i think i might look if i just blew the whole thing off. okay, i am not really all that self-centered but i certainly could make excuses such as i have to work, to not show up for their surviving family. it was odd that my Mom asked me if i was going to attend the funeral today and i am uncertain as to what was behind her question. for me, i am going because i know in my heart of hearts, it is certainly the next correct thing to do and i worked this weekend to get the time to go. it simply is what it is and i am okay with what i have decided to do and the level of participation i am willing to give.
as a result of my plans today, i need to get moving towards getting my miles under my feet. i know a week from now, it will be dark at this time in the morning and i will be whining about how much i hate Daylight Savings Time. that is just part of living life in the twenty-first century and as much as i hate it being dark in the morning, it is nice to have some extra light in the evening. there is a price and a prize, and in my life, acting out of pure self-interest usually does not bring me the prize i truly desire and the price is more than i was willing to pay. today as i walk through my day, i will remember that even if my motives may not be “pure” chances are that i am making the decision to do the next right thing, just for today.

∞ DT ∞