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are the norm, not the exception for me and i am fairly confident that is the case for 99.9999% of the human race. it is true that what drives me to make the decisions that i do has changed over the course of my recovery, i am quite accepting of the fact that i will probably never be a saint or spiritual giant and more than likely still do **good** for **bad** motives. that acceptance, of course could lead to quite a bit of **foul play.* just like i once used, **what do you expect, i am, after all, only an addict.**
looking at my deeds, thoughts and yes feelings through the lens of the spiritual path i choose to follow, certainly demonstrates how far i have come and how far i have yet to go. just because i cannot guarantee that everything i do, feel and say are driven by “pure” motives, does not i mean stop attempting (TRY) to elevate the person i am to that elusive more spiritual being that i ascribe to becoming.

Derek W,
THIRTEEN (13) years clean!
Congrats my friend, i am glad you kept coming back.

day after day, i read the news and wonder about why some people have become such freaking snowflakes that melt at the slightest hint of an opposing argument. had that been the case when i was out there “running and gunning” i would not have had any using buddies at all, as our conversations often turned to “deep and meaningful matters” outside of our immediate lives. when did it become a sin to be critical of my government and those who are elected to serve my interests? when did those in power decide that a published OPINION was worthy of a libel lawsuit? why am i viewed as traitorous just because i do not agree with how those who were elected to serve me, are serving me? this litany of what is wrong, could go on and on. i could use all of that to dismember any member who happens to disagree with the party line of the fellowship that has given me this manner of living, and i could justify it as having the “pure” of protecting what is “mine” for those who have yet to find the rooms.
when i run that through the sieve of the vision of the man i wish to become, i see where my motives are far from pure. yes i have a desire to keep this fellowship alive and thriving. the question is at what cost? am i willing to stomp all all opinions, to protect what we have? am i willing to intellectually bully someone who feels from time to time that this is a “cult?” am i willing to confront someone i KNOW to be using and still collecting tokens of recovery, in public, shaming and humiliating them into submission to the only binary decision this way of life offers? the fact is, i have done all of that in the past and see how my so-called “pure” motives were actually suspect from the get-go. that sort of grand-standing was a futile attempt to gain esteem and respect from my peers, because i could not find it in myself. and so it goes…
what i will end with today, is that i write this little ditty so i can dump what i need to, in a forum where i make the rules. once upon a time, i wanted the whole world to see how “well̶ i was doing in my recovery and this blog was that vehicle. just for today, this is where the toxic waste gets exposed for what it is, the “naughty bits” that i once worked so hard to suppress and bury. there are no sleeping dogs here and yes i do know where the bodies are buried. just for today, i am willing to let the rest of you get s few clues to all of that as well.

∞ DT ∞