Some memes

seriously, unless i was Mother Theresa, the Dali Lama, or maybe Pope Francis I, none of my motives are absolutely pure, and i certainly would love a reading that told me to go back to bed, if that was the case. i however, live in the real world, and as far as i can see none of my motives for anything i do are pure.
when i look at it, even staying clean has a payoff for me, beyond the reward of not being pwned by dope. speaking of which, before i forget:

Derek W
CONGRATS on 8 years Clean.
It has been quite the year for you
i'm glad you saw it through.

so coming back on to topic, what the reading does remind me of, is that while my motives may not be pure, they certainly are “purer” than they were when i came to recovery. back in the day, well back in the day, my only motive was how AM I GOING TO GET THE MAXIMUM BENEFIT FOR ME. i was entitled, selfish, self-centered and i believed that the world revolved around me, so it was quite a shock to that belief system that when i learned differently.
so what is my motive for staying clean today? it does bear repeating that life without being pwned by dope is quite a payoff. i get to not only look better than ever, but i also feel better. i have relationships, i have a means of supporting myself that i like and i am becoming: whole, genuine and self-aware. not a whole lot of movement away from me, in those motives. society also gets a huge payoff, as i am no longer a burden on the justice system or social services. i perform a useful service to society, that i would have never been able to do, had i not been forcefully placed onto this path of recovery. just like shoveling the snow from my walk, serving the fellowship in the manner i do, sponsoring men in the program, all of them are for selfish reasons, but each has component, a large component which falls back towards altruism and my desire to make the world a bit brighter and less scary, one addict at a time.
i GOT clean to remove a legal problem; i stuck around so i could continue to look better than i was feeling and today i stay clean because i enjoy reaping the benefits of another day clean, and the world, in a very small way, is a better place because of my desire to stay clean today and work a program of active recovery.
do i have any “pure” motives? probably not, i am after all another human being, not some saint, spiritual guru or someone with a link to the divine. that does not mean that i do nothing. i live my life by the precepts of the program that keeps me clean and for the most part i GET to do the next right thing, which right here and right now is to set-up my home office and get ready to work. a very short commute today!

∞ DT ∞