Blog entry for:

have the DESIRE to live and enjoy life. i DO NOT want the life i once had, even that of eighteen months ago, before the world shifted under me. well i probably need to revise that statement to say that the world shifted inside of me. what i once found acceptable and tolerable was blown away and left inits place was a seething, burning resentment that needed to be dealt with, post haste. when the smoke had cleared i was left wondering WTF happened and who i was. today, i may not who i am, but i do know what happened and how i got here. i also know that without a doubt, if not for my minimal meeting attendance, connection to my peers and daily recovery routine, i would have been sunk, maybe not as quick as the Titanic but certainly in a resting spot just about that deep.
as i drove the fifty minutes or so into work, what kept bubbling up was the notion that somehow i, after nearly a quarter of a century clean, that i had magically morphed into somewhat of an “ordinary” person, rather than an addict. time and again when this has come to the surface, i could quickly push it down and pretend that thought did not occur, after all, what would my peers think if they knew i had such thoughts. i allowed myself the freedom to daydream this morning, as traffic was relatively light and when i got to the end of that fantasy, i uncovered a startling truth, i was never an “ordinary person.” it seems that as i looked back what i saw was an addict who had yet to use and never got over himself or felt comfortable being who he was. it was easy for me to take on the lie, as i NEEDED something more and play-acting an “ordinary” life seemed like it was just the ticket to my happiness.
i see today, what a trap that was and even though i had unlocked the door to the prison my drug use had created, it was not until i unlocked the door to the prison that i created seeking to fill my emptiness and appear to be what the world expected me to be, that i finally achieved the sort of freedom i deserved. i do need, however, to get some coffee before the all-hands meeting gets rolling. whether or not i will take it at my desk or live, in-person has yet to be determined. i am okay today, just for today, exactly as i am -> an addict living an active program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞