Some memes

to show up without anger, resentment, or fear, i GET to mature as a person who lives in the real world. more than once i have heard it said that my emotional, maturity process stopped the first time i got high and did not resume until i became abstinent. whether or not that is accurate or provable did not matter. way back when, that notion in and of itself gave me the license, at least in my head, to act out in all sorts of less than stellar ways. i mean seriously, how else would you expect a fifteen year old to act? looking back from the perch of a very long minute clean, what i took as a my escape hatch from responsibility, was actually a symptom of my unabated addiction. the years between then and now, have given a different perspective as back in those days, i used the line “at least i stayed clean” more than once, as i though that excused everything.
this morning, i almost slapped myself as i hesitated in saying yes to a favor for my sister. where i went before reading the daily meditation, sitting in that quiet space and having my coffee, is how can she even ask me to do this? when i finished my morning routine, i knew that of course the answer was yes, and i needed to let go of any attachment i might have to what it was going to cost me, in time and resources. what she was asking for is certainly in my power to grant. it is ironic how much more amenable and spiritual i am on the other side of my dive into the quiet. part of what i still am, is certainly selfish and self-centered, no matter how hard i try and ignore that unpleasant fact of life. recovery may have minimized that part of me, but has yet to eliminate it. perhaps, it has been down-sized to just the human condition and i act like the so called “normal” world does.
so much for the self-deprecating part of this little exercise, today i feel a bit of apprehension about working with the new guy at my little part-time job. i know i need to give them the benefit of the doubt and perhaps they will surprise me. i am all ,in to be pleasantly surprised although the cynic withing, is setting very low expectations for that to happen. i can and will do my job and am more than willing to close my side with or without their help, as i am quite good at doing so, in an expeditious and proper manner. in the long run, it really does not matter and i will be okay, no matter what. it is a good day to remember that i did not come into recovery with any sort of emotional maturity and tons of expectations and the desire to have everything go my way. just for today, i can be grateful that i have a path out of the familiar pit of self-centeredness and over entitlement.

∞ DT ∞