Blog entry for:

that i cannot do this recovery gig alone. what that means, at least to me, is that i have to listen to and evaluate what others are telling my about my behavior, especially those with whom i share my recovery journey. as i responded to my niece yesterday, i certainly listened to what she had to say. after mere seconds i knew what she was saying was nothing but manipulative bullshit, attempting to have me provide her self-worth through positive reinforcement. i know that game, as i played it with my Mom for decades on end. even before i spoke of what she did to me, during my last FIFTH STEP, i had already reached the point of no return, i no longer required or even desired her approval any more, and that drove her nuts. all of a sudden the buttons she installed, no longer did their job and i was free from my need to get approval from my Mom.
learning to listen to and hear what i am being told, from those whom i trust, however is certainly a not the same as manipulating those around me to echo back all that i have the desire to hear.i am grateful that my peers watch me and let me know when i am not quite “right.” for this addict, i have been just a bit off-kilter since my Mom died and flew off to Africa the very next day. dealing with an over-entitled, whiny, using addict, who seems to believe she is owed a great deal for the choices she mad that have placed her in a pit of despair, make me want to move a bit further off-balance and just tell her to FVCK OFF and get the hell out of my life. what i do instead, is dump my shit here and in the meetings i attend and walk away to from the mess i could create, if i allowed myself the freedom to have to go back and admit i am wrong. i am grateful i have a TENTH STEP in my life, as my aversion to admitting i am wrong, is more than enough to help see the next right thing to do.
this morning, as i sat, i heard the voice of that part of me i call addiction, telling me that maybe i need to just kick my niece out into the streets and just be done with her. after all, it went on, that is the end result of what she refuses to do for herself, anyhow. my “kindness” is just delaying the inevitable. i do not often hear that voice as i sit or even as i go through my daily life, so when it speaks, it has a whole new meaning these days. i can easily confuse it for the voice of recovery that comes from the chorus of my friends and trusted peers in recovery. the fact of the matter is, what she chooses to do with the grace she is given is something i have no power over. what i choose to do, to allow her to make good choices is to provide those “mean” tidbits of truth and push her to get off her ass and get her act together.
right here and right now, i am ready to post this little ditty to the net and take the dawg out for a quick jaunt around the hood. after that, well cigars, conversations and relaxing are top of the list, leaving behind all that i “ought” to be doing and allowing myself the freedom just to listen and be okay, just for today.

∞ DT ∞