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yesterday, i got to see my self-obsession in action. what i saw as a joke, was actually a hurtful reminder of my inaction and lack of respect of one of my peers. that **wrong** has been acknowledged and i took responsibility for what i did, in being obtuse and ad self-obsessed. that is what recovery is all about, at least for me anyhow. the silver lining in what i did yesterday, was the pause that i took at the meeting last night. because i took that moment of quiet, i lost the opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope, which would have ended up being a share that directly addressed what my peers had already shared. it would have meant that perhaps, i would have been doing even more of the corrective part of the TENTH STEP, due to me being quite “less than stellar.” as i drove home last night i realized what my conversation earlier in the day had given me and the insight it provided. i can say that when i sat last night, considering my day, i realized that i do not need others to validate my recovery, nor do i need to share anything to “prove” how much i love myself. the program to date, has provided me with all that i need to stay clean, the easy part, and do recovery, the hard part, just for today.
moving on, another little tidbit that stuck with me last night was one of my peers, saying that they did not see the daily readings as being written for them. my “cross-share,” is that i see each and every one of them being all about me, yes, self-centered and self-obsessed as i am, it certainly feels, to me anyhow, that when this book was written, just as i was getting clean, that the committee that was composing it, had me in mind. in reality i know w=that is not the case, but it goes to a much deeper issue for me, that of being no different from my peers, regardless of my experience and the length of time i have been clean. or better put, at least in my mind, that the similarities to my peers in recovery, far outweigh the differences. i do not need any Jedi mind-tricks of pop psychology, to get to the “root” of my addiction, nor do i need to walk through my life looking for the “triggers,” so i can avoid them or ameliorate their effects. the fact is, life just is and my life in recovery is a daily choice, that i have made m=for quite a few days in a row, even when i had no intention of staying clean beyond today. the days of planning my relapse may be in the past, but that doe not mean i have achieved something that is unavailable to my peers. that simply means that IF i continue to do as i have done, chances are i will continue to get what i have gotten, another day clean. on that note i think i will wrap this up and get ready for the speaking engagement that i was not planning on having this morning. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞