Blog entry for:

today, i think for myself and do whatever it takes to further my ACTIVE RECOVERY, including, but not limited to, working the steps.
over and over again, i hear this refrain, work the steps, work the steps work the steps. in days past there was a bit of profanity added to the chant, but in these kinder and gentler, more politically correct times, that has fallen by the wayside. no big deal.
this same softening, seems to send the message that recovery and the meetings are group therapy, and that we want to hear all the drivel that happens to pop into your mind, when you share just to hear the sound of your own voice. it really is no wonder that the revolving door is rotating even faster these days. addicts come looking for recovery and are allowed to do as they please, read their bad poetry or personal letters, make plugs for other fellowships and then get pissed off when they are not taken seriously. who do i blame for this mess. why myself of course. as i get more clean time, i tend to shy away from those who cannot or will not respect what this program is all about and gravitate towards those who actually seem to want to be a part of this process. unfortunately, in this respect, my judgement is just as poor as it was way back when i was told to hang with the winners and i made some seriously wrong choices.
so what exactly is the point of this tirade? well for me, it certainly goes to the heart of the reading. my step work has remained in that theoretical stage for far too long, as the symptoms of sitting on a FOURTH STEP start to be manifest within me, and are starting to spew out in all sorts of unsavory behaviors. my solution? why go out and pre-order a brand new, top of the line, IPAD for delivery on March 16th. that will certainly make me feel better because it can distract me from the crap that is going on inside. yes better feeling through shopping, and old and familiar escape route, that allows me to keep my clean time intact.
OF COURSE, i could always blow the dust of my step writing tools, take 20 minutes or so and write a bit every day, until i get my FOURTH STEP done. such a simple solution to the complex problems of my inner self. will that make the dilettantes and those who disrespect this fellowship, go away? no they have always been around and they will always be around, but it will bring me back into a place of tolerance and perhaps give me the desire to kindly and gently educate them into what we are all about. more importantly it will heal what is going on inside of me, bring yet another painful part of my past into perspective and continue my transformation process of becoming the person, i never dreamed i could be.

∞ DT ∞