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breathe recovery in just by being **around** others who are doing this gig, is not part of my belief system today. it has not really been evident for any extended period of time in my recovery journey either. i certainly do get a lot out of meetings and talking with my peers, in fact i have often called them the “Voice of GOD.” their voices, laced with sage wisdom, tried and true suggestions and hopeful experience, will not keep me living a program of active recovery, even though that may be enough for me to live a life of mere abstinence. for me, such a life is just getting by and these days i want to do more than merely survive.
currently i have two men who call me their sponsor, that do not seem to want to step into the light of active recovery and get more than they are getting now. neither one wants what i have to offer, and that is not necessarily a bad thing, as it does not reflect of the quality or quantity of the my recovery process. there have been times in the past, and it was not all that long ago, where i personally took on the quality of someone else''s program as a reflection of who i was and what i have to offer. decoupling their recovery progress form mine, was one of the healthiest choices i ever made and has led to my world having less bitterness, resentment and anger in it. the current resentment i have about one of the men i alluded to above, is an echo of my need to be validated through the actions other people take under my direction. as i stand between STEPS FOUR and FIVE, i see that i really am insane at times, especially when it comes to what others may or may not be doing. it is my spiritual condition that is in need of a bit of repair, not theirs'.
i know i probably will never be able to totally decouple my self-esteem from needing the approval of others. i know that i probably will never achieve a Buddha-like serenity in my daily existence. i know that i will probably always want to “get away” with something and engage in risky behavior. and i am quite certain i will never progress any closer to any of that, if i decide that the steps are just not my “cuppa tea.” it is not up to me to judge the quality of my peer's program by how much step work they do or do not do. it is up to me, to be there, if and when, they decide to take up the pen and do the writing part of this program. it is my place to encourage them to do so, by sharing my experience, strength and hope and by living a life that is worthy of the man i have always wanted to be. leading by example, the time has come for me to step out on this damp and cool morning and get some miles under my belt, after all, physical fitness helps this addict achieve spiritual and emotional fitness.

∞ DT ∞