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i must work the Twelve Steps for myself. well as i sit here this morning, doing my best to try and avoid what i have agreed to get done today, i am struck by the simplicity of the statement i chose to start me rolling. i mean, seriously, IF i want than i MUST. pretty simple, no new age affirmations, no feel good slogans and best of all, no extraneous bullsh!t to distract from the, message. of course, being the type of person i am, it is me, who piles all that other crap upon this simple credo and makes it so complicated that no one, let alone me, is able to do what is suggested, WORK THE STEPS!
so as i watch people come and go, the ones who stick around ARE those who follow this the best. yes, clean time allows me to have a bit of grace. grace, however, only goes so far, and when is tall on my current step cycle, what i get is not exactly what i want. the evidence of that is in how i go through my day. how much serenity i have, worst of all, how i appear to my peers in recovery, which of course, for me, is what this is all about. i have such a strong desire to look good, that sometimes it spooks even me. it seems of all the character defects that comprise who i am, this is the one, that is the most troubling and in some sense, one of the my best assets. after all, when i detect that i am not looking too good, i kick my program back into high gear again. although looking good, need not be part of what drives me, it is a fact, and one that i need to graciously accept. even though showing it off, does not make me look very good ;)!
as i have delayed the inevitable long enough, i guess the time has come to get my butt in gear, shower off the day that was yesterday and move into the day that i am living now. yes i want all the program has to offer. yes i want to look good. yes i want to thrive and become more than i ever was. taking a vacation from meetings or walking away from those who are struggling to stay clean, will not accomplish any of that. sooner or later, i will not be able to live without the part of me i call addiction asserting itself, and when that happens, well i am powerless and will need to double down and do the next right thing. it is after all, only in the 12 Steps i find relief from addiction and the buffer that allows me to stay a card carrying member of the “No Matter What” Club, just for today.

∞ DT ∞