Blog entry for:

by **ass-mosis** is not a path that yields **good results for me. i cannot speak for my peers, but over time i have observed more than once, when i step away from living a program, i end up in a state of being: **restless, irritable, and discontented.** i certainly have been in a period where my meeting attendance has fallen way off, life just keeps getting in the way. the excuses can fly and the only thing that is keeping me sane is my slavish adherence to a daily program of maintenance of my recovery. my grace, as it were, comes from what i do, rather than how many meetings i happen to show-up at and that action keeps me connected with the source of my recovery.
here is where i normally would go into dissing my peers about how they behave when meeting attendance is the sole pillar of their recovery program. instead, i have what i need to see in their behavior and decided for myself, that is not what i want in my life. i have lived a life in mere abstinence, going to at least a meeting every day and that path brought me to a pace of desperation, sitting in a room 2000 miles away from home, with one of my favorite substances and a very strong desire to say F*CK IT ALL, and dive in. that relapse, in all but actually using, was the nuclear charge that i needed to learn how to live a program. the result of those ancient times, still drives me today, as i learned, then and there, that i could no longer deny i had power over using and needed to do something more IF i wanted to have a life worth living.
today as i sit here, fretting about COVID-19 and how it will affect my upcoming trips, i need to remember the only reason i GET to consider planning trips, is because i have learned how to live a program of daily recovery. i may not not do it perfectly and have not ascended to “advanced” or “supreme” recovery, BUT i do have a program that sustains me. diffusion, osmosis or recovering vicariously through the efforts of my peers, does not work for this addict and i need to be reminded of that, each and every day. i am clean today and that gift comes from the POWER that is the source of my recovery and is manifest in my desire to do whatever it takes to live a program of recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞