Blog entry for:

and expect to breathe recovery in through the pores of my skin.
much as would like to, for me to LIVE recovery, i NEED to work the steps for myself, even though that implies some work.and the last thing i EVER want to do is any WORK! ;))
a little joke perhaps, but it always amazes me how many of my peers in recovery can stay clean without actively working a step with a sponsor, the mystery to me is how they can handle the curve balls that life seems to whiz by me on a constant basis. all i know is that for this addict, constantly working a step, talking to my sponsor and going to meetings i the only thing that will keep me clean. i may get a bit of grace if i backslide into inactivity, and have had that experience in the past, but in the long haul, for me, the steps will be a lifelong process work or not!
one of the things that i am grateful for today is, that i do not have to be the person i was when i walked into the rooms that very first time over ten years ago. i remember how different i felt, i remember the confusion when the members in attendance spoke about working a program of active recovery. and most of all i remember thinking that there was no way in this lifetime that i could be abstinent from drugs and have any semblance of happiness in my life. drugs were the solution to all my problems, and if the world would just leave me alone i would get by just fine, thank you very much! i also remember thinking that those members were lying about being clean for months and years, if they were not lying than they must be really different from me. as a result i came to the conclusion that if i just used once a month i would be just okay and i did not need any sort of freak show like the fellowship to show me a new way of life.
flash forward to today -- no i have yet to cross the ten year anniversary of my clean date but i am halfway through that annual cycle and i cannot see any other solution for the problem that is me except to work the steps and do my level best to not use anything just for toady. the prospect of staying clean for the rest of my life still fills me with fear, BUT nowhere in the program does it promise or say that I HAVE TO STAY CLEAN the rest of my life -- all i have to do it for is just for today. i have the choice to make once again tomorrow and of course tomorrow never comes. so off to do some work and see what this day will bring!

∞ DT ∞