Blog entry for:

lots of meetings, no matter how many, may keep me clean, but will hardly further the growth of my program of recovery, the fact is, there are more than one of my peers, who go to lots of meetings, that do not have anything i desire in the realm of their recovery program. i realize how judgement-laden that last statement may be, but to water it down with a rationalization or a justification, will not be beneficial to my program of recovery, it simply is what it is. i am no spiritual giant and i readily admit that what i want others to see in me, is not what they actually see. here it comes the juiciest rationalization of them all: this is a program of PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!
after a quick shower and a bit of work, i am back at this. it appears that my IPAD is dying, very quickly as it cannot seem to update any apps, that is a little disconcerting but hardly germane to this train of thought, i use it as an illustration about how quickly i can get distracted by the stuff around me, and now i am all over getting over to the Apple Store or Best Buy to get me a newer one, after all, how can i live without a tablet? the answer to that question is very well, i can live with a under-performing tablet, but i probably cannot live with a under-performing program of recovery. for me, it is all about the steps and even though i have been lingering in the FIRST STEP for months, the immediacy of getting rolling through another set, has left me. no i do not expect to survive on yesterday's recovery, nor do i think i am “something special.” i do know however, that by living steps 10, 11 and 12, just for today, i get what i need to stay clean today. once again, a nice juicy rationalization, i am just full of them today.😄 ‼
bringing it down to a level that i can write about today, i do understand that if i am not progressing in my recovery, i may be setting myself up for all sorts of failures, including relapse. i have trouble relating these days, to the ins and outs of the lively, vibrant fellowship and read ulterior motives into everything i see. most of it comes down to judging what i see others do and pigeon-holing those behaviors into “good” and “bad.” doing the judgment gig is in and of itself, not terrible, as long as it stops there, file it away for later examination and decide how it applies to me. when i categorize what i see in real-time, than i am stuck in a loop full of bias and prejudice that spins me away from the very people who can best help me. i am not the happiest person on Earth these days and most of what is going on, is what i see in others, i see in myself and i believe i SHOULD be better than that by now. in fact every time i stumble, or at least judge that i have stumbled on my spiritual path, the whip comes out and the beating commences. this morning as i try and sneak out for a meeting, i will, do my best to accept what i find unacceptable, in others but most importantly in myself and perhaps over the course of this day stuck at home, i will move through the rest of my FIRST STEP and give my sponse a call.
i am actually doing better than i think i am, and seeing and accepting that as fact is part of what i can do today, to give me the impetus to get rolling on this set of steps. it is a great day to be clean and a better day to be okay with who i am, forgive myself for the little missteps i will take today and use my program of recovery to get just that much better, just for today.

∞ DT ∞