Blog entry for:

well, after not being able to stop the incessant internal chatter and storytelling this morning, i finally achieved a bit of understanding about this particular topic. consciously, not so much, but under the surface, where it really counts for me, i seem to have an intuitive understanding of what to next, at least as far as making my plans for today goes.
today, i have to step away from my normal Tuesday routine of gars and a meeting and honor a service commitment. as much as i WOULD love to blow it off, and just head to the smoke filled room, that will not be in the cards for me today, DANG IT! no today, i have integrity and i do what i say i will and show-up when and where i agree to do so. which at times means sacrificing my immediate pleasure. that, however is more than a bit off topic.
over the course of the past few weeks, i have been confronted with my attitudes towards men who i once sponsored and who have chosen to be among those who use. their insanity, and lack of any concern for anyone but themselves, is evident in the manner in which they treat me. my reaction to pain, and the one inflicting it, is to lash out and hurt them hard enough that they just go away. those dang steps, have removed that instantaneous reaction and now i actually consider what i am doing, even when i am retaliating. so as i see my actions, especially in this particular class of people, i have to make sure that i am doing the next right thing and not just exercising payback in an ever escalating game of tit-for-tat.
coming to the decision that it was not healthy for me, to lend money to an incarcerated, using friend, was a tough one. many in my life wondered why it took so long, and that question is on my mind this morning as i write this.
in step one, i have to concede to my innermost self that i am not only powerless over the addict that is me, i am also powerless over addiction in every other addict in my life. across the course of our relationship, i have always “been there” for him, no matter what the personal cost was to me, and in the long run, the results were exactly the same, so i have to ask myself if that really is a symptom of sanity? since i am powerless and insane in this matter, i have to surrender him into the care of a POWER greater than me and him both. when seen through that lens, it is amazing it took me so long to get here. just like i cannot get him to recovery, nor can i get any one else top accept that they too, may be treading the road towards their next use, especially those that think they got it down. after all, all the symptoms of being normal have returned to their life, why on Earth would they want to put any additional effort into their recovery, they have everything back that they thought they had given away in active addiction.
the addict within screams to SAVE THEM, but as i sit here i know that is NOT the next right thing to do. i will sit quietly, listen to their rationalizations and justifications, put in my $0.02 and let it be, remembering that i am powerless over my addiction as well.
it is time, however, to wrap this up and head on down to work. life is good today and if i stay grounded in the first three tools of my survival kit, i can and will be able to spot and do the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞