Some memes

when i put myself aside and look for the ways and means to carry the message of recovery. i am having more than a little issue about what to write about this morning. i do not want to blow my own horn about how much service i do, as i have already enumerated the service i do and have done in previous blogs. i also do not want to write about how i much i put aside of myself to be present in the here and now, as that too, feels like a tried and true substitution for what may be going on inside of me. the fact is, i serve, i walk through my days looking for opportunities to live up to the principles of my particular fellowship and minimize my effect of those around me. 'nuff said, time to move on.
what is going on, inside of me is a whole lot of uncertainty about my future and wondering if i have enough FAITH to walk with courage through the FEAR that is starting to eat at my core. my prostate situation requires more testing. my job situation requires a strict adherence to searching and applying and i have decided that perhaps the time has come to get on Social Security, while i still can. none of that came through very well yesterday and as i sat in the meeting last night, locked in a room with a few men who have the desire to stay clean, i realized that what i was denying was that i actually have more than a little FEAR about what is going to happen in the next three weeks. what i also realized was that distracting myself from what they might want from me, was not the activity i should be consumed by, in that moment. pushing that off to today, i can see that i may not be saying it out loud, but at least i am acknowledging what i am feeling here and now.
fuck this being stoic bullshit, i may not be living in abject fear of my unknown future, but i do have more a-than a bit of concern about how to move through to the next part of my life given that i do not have all sorts of resources to sustain me. what it is coming down to, is that for right now, i do the footwork, i seek the answers and i let go and allow things to proceed as they will. my life may get tossed in a few weeks, but i am resilient, i have support from peers, friends. my spouse and the POWER that fuels my recovery to sustain me. FAITH in myself and those who are in my life will get me through, meanwhile i can let others know that even when things get dark, there is a way through without having to use anything, just for today.

∞ DT ∞