๐ค i once feared ๐ค
Posted: Sun, Jun 15, 2025 11:37:41 AM
that i would not belong in recovery, but actually hoped that i did not, so i could carry on using and not have to face my problems. as weird as that may sound, with a minute clean, it certainly was my whole motivation when i was sentenced to the rooms. i heard it said, way back when and have said it myself, it is not what got me into the rooms that really matters, it is what keeps me here after a bit of clean time. what keeps me coming back, is the ability to face each and every day clean and comfortable in my own skin. for me, that is the gift that keeps on giving.
this morning, because the unseasonably warm temperature, my day was front loaded with exercise. i am getting a bit frustrated with my spouse, as she cannot figure out how to work the technology in the house. for my sanity, i got up and took care of the task she could not complete. i know that sort of rescue is part of many of my sick relationships with friends, family, my peers in recovery and the men who call me the sponsor. i can always justify and rationalize that behavior, just as i did a moment ago. the good news is that other than in my own house, that sort of behavior is not one i choose to exercise on a regular basis.
i now remember where i was going before i allowed myself to get caught in the shit of someone else. so yes, i ran before breakfast this morning, while it was still under 70° F, just barely. what i wanted to illustrate that just as i once believed that i was not a candidate for recovery, so i can be locked into my routine, even when it is harmful for me. it feels a bit ironic that running could be harmful to me, but i know that in the heat of the day, my run is more work than enjoyable. i know that when i find something a chore, i have the desire to put it off long enough that i just do not do it. as i have yet to cross the 190 barrier, i want to find working out to be desirable, rather than something i “have” to do. recovery, for the most part is something i find desirable, rather than onerous and just for today, as i chill out in the smoke-filled room, enjoying a cigar or two, i will remember that this is something i choose to do and any day, i can choose to follow a different path, even if it leads down the road to perdition.
this morning, because the unseasonably warm temperature, my day was front loaded with exercise. i am getting a bit frustrated with my spouse, as she cannot figure out how to work the technology in the house. for my sanity, i got up and took care of the task she could not complete. i know that sort of rescue is part of many of my sick relationships with friends, family, my peers in recovery and the men who call me the sponsor. i can always justify and rationalize that behavior, just as i did a moment ago. the good news is that other than in my own house, that sort of behavior is not one i choose to exercise on a regular basis.
i now remember where i was going before i allowed myself to get caught in the shit of someone else. so yes, i ran before breakfast this morning, while it was still under 70° F, just barely. what i wanted to illustrate that just as i once believed that i was not a candidate for recovery, so i can be locked into my routine, even when it is harmful for me. it feels a bit ironic that running could be harmful to me, but i know that in the heat of the day, my run is more work than enjoyable. i know that when i find something a chore, i have the desire to put it off long enough that i just do not do it. as i have yet to cross the 190 barrier, i want to find working out to be desirable, rather than something i “have” to do. recovery, for the most part is something i find desirable, rather than onerous and just for today, as i chill out in the smoke-filled room, enjoying a cigar or two, i will remember that this is something i choose to do and any day, i can choose to follow a different path, even if it leads down the road to perdition.
∞ DT ∞