Some memes

denied entry, i heard that the only requirement for me to belong is a desire to stop using. of course, i did not believe that was the case and spent the first eighteen months or so of my clean time in mere abstinence. membership and belonging is not what i desired. no, what i desired was a loophole that would allow me to use without any legal consequences. i certainly was not honest about what my intentions were, but no one told me to go away and do not come back. no matter how hard i tried to get hem to bar the door, they kept saying keep coming back and do not use, even if you want to. of course i wanted to use, but i wanted to use without consequence. my hope and desire throughout those whole eighteen months was that i would be given a clue about how to accomplish that task.
i could give a whole detailed litany of my becoming a member and peer in the fellowship that i chose for my recovery journey, but to what end. the fact was and is, that i am an addict and i still NEED a fellowship that provides the answers i desire to move forward with my life. it is true i belong today and have belonged ever since i walked through the door. it is also true that this was not the fellowship i started my recovery journey in, that other fellowship was okay, but i never belonged there, even though no one told me to get out. what i uncovered once i accepted membership, was that i was accepted as is and could commit as little or as much of myself as was my desire. at first i committed very little, i got a sponsor, accepted his direction and started my actual recovery journey. over time i started to see that my desire to belong finally woke up and took over my desire to use without consequences, i actually had the desire to become something more than i was.
that desire to belong and to be more has only grown over the course of my recovery and today, it is one of the driving forces of my continued active participation in the fellowship. the fellowship is the oxygen for my recovery journey and as i have seen before, when one denies what they may be getting from actively participating, one puts their recovery on thin ice. today, i want to be onshore and not wondering when the other shoe may drop. i know where i stand this morning and being accepting is a kindness and a commitment i make to my fellowship. there have been others who hesitated at the threshold and they need to know that even some one with time, is a member and can welcome them into a fellowship that may give them the answers they seek.

∞ DT ∞