Some memes

those in my life with acceptance instead of expectations today. in a perfect world, i would have left the word try in this seed. in my imperfect self, however, to try rather than state i will seems to be weak and feeble. i no longer want to see myself as either weak and feeble, i may be slow at ascending and descending fourteeners because i am still lacking confidence in my ability. that i could take on as being both weak and feeble or perhaps it may fear of injury. either way, it does not matter, i can and will do another mountain in the near future. i see how i give and receive love as a similar task: tough, one that takes practice and not without its risks.
when i was in active addiction, i saw love as a game rigged against me and one that always ended up with me getting hurt. i learned to “play” that game by finding “victims” who were needy and wanted to be dependent on my affection and attention, even though i truly loathed them in the long run. i knew that i was always going to be the one that walked away, thus my risk was reduced to practically nil. life in that mode was lonely but safe and i always had my using buddies to hang with, when i actually had a feeling or two.
as i stay clean and live a life of active recovery, i have started, well more than started, to come around to the notion that not only am i capable of giving and receiving love, i ave the desire to do so, without the games that marked my active addiction. the trick i see here, is letting go of what i think i am entitled to and the expectations i have developed over the years. i know that just for today, i am loved and i can love. i am also quite sure that after a minute clean i can gave a bit of FAITH that even if i get burned, i will hardly melt away into a pool of tears and substances. as Gloria Gaynor once said, 🎜 I WILL SURVIVE! 🎝

∞ DT ∞