๐ as i learn ๐
Posted: Tue, Aug 25, 2026 08:08:13 AM
how to love and care for people in the rooms, i learn how to accept that same love and care from others. quick turnaround for me today and this looks like it will be the case for the near future. i closed last night and have to open this morning. one thing i am learning to expect, is that one of my teammates will always throw me under the bus. no matter how many time i have given him the benefit of the doubt, the reality is that he will not accept responsibility for anything. i need not go into the shit show his behavior caused at closing last night, ans i am more than certain that he did not know why i was so pissed off. for me, i have to let it go, if asked own my part in the whole affair and move on, with much lower expectations of my teammate.
coming back to love and care and a new meaning for love, he fits in that paradigm by me just loving who he is, and expecting very little in return. the rest of the folks who populate my existence in a consistent basis, however, have allowed me to love them and showed my what it means to be loved and cared for, by loving and caring for me. showing respect and taking responsibility for the chaos i cause these days, is part of that new meaning. responsibility was never my gig and the worst part of my interactions with my teammate is that in his behaviors, i see all of what i once was and could be again. that part is certainly on me, and i get angry with myself for falling into that trap, once again.
love has also always been a tricky subject for me. in active addiction i believed i was in love with my ex-wife. the reality was i was in love with being married and she was a nice looking woman on my arm. it was a status thing because i believed that people my age, 30ish, should be married. i never admitted that my marriage was not for love before, and this FOURTH STEP, is bringing shit to the surface that i have left buried for far too long. i am learning to love myself, even though i have yet to find myself worthy of being kind to me. be that as it may, today, i walk in the sunlight of the spiritual path that fills my life with more than i ever expected, just for today.
coming back to love and care and a new meaning for love, he fits in that paradigm by me just loving who he is, and expecting very little in return. the rest of the folks who populate my existence in a consistent basis, however, have allowed me to love them and showed my what it means to be loved and cared for, by loving and caring for me. showing respect and taking responsibility for the chaos i cause these days, is part of that new meaning. responsibility was never my gig and the worst part of my interactions with my teammate is that in his behaviors, i see all of what i once was and could be again. that part is certainly on me, and i get angry with myself for falling into that trap, once again.
love has also always been a tricky subject for me. in active addiction i believed i was in love with my ex-wife. the reality was i was in love with being married and she was a nice looking woman on my arm. it was a status thing because i believed that people my age, 30ish, should be married. i never admitted that my marriage was not for love before, and this FOURTH STEP, is bringing shit to the surface that i have left buried for far too long. i am learning to love myself, even though i have yet to find myself worthy of being kind to me. be that as it may, today, i walk in the sunlight of the spiritual path that fills my life with more than i ever expected, just for today.
∞ DT ∞