๐ฑ in helping others, ๐ฏ
Posted: Tue, Dec 16, 2025 11:48:56 AM
i can find the willingness to accept help, for myself. i have written in past that in active addiction, all my relationships, whether they were long term or casual, were transactional. in that mode, that meant that i never ever was truly generous, as i always expected a payoff. when i came to in recovery, i sincerely thought that was how the world worked. oh sure, there were more than a few “Two-Shoes” who walked around being totally good, but for the most part, my vision was one of getting mine while extracting the highest price possible out of you. selfishness to extreme nth degree, to be certain. with that as my world view, the last thing i could ever ask for was a bit of help out of any sticky situation.
as i finally grew into my big boy recovery pants, i saw that being generous actually cost me nothing and not expecting any payoff in return, actually made me feel better as a person. this morning, after i got rolling, i started to consider all that i have to do for my friend tomorrow, as part of my agreement to pick him up at the airport. there will be tolls and parking to pay, my time going in to meet him and carry his bags, dropping him off at his car and hauling his bags into his apartment and i started to feel “put on upon.” i was quite capable of expecting something in return for generously offering to give him a hand with his stuff. i took a breath, sipped some of my coffee, perused the news and finally i came to a place where i could let go and allow myself the freedom to be okay with what it is going to cost me in time and resources to help my friend and peer get home with his broken leg. as i returned to Earth and got out of my own way, i saw the attempt of creating a resentment and playing the victim was a deep dive into a familiar and comfortable pattern. it is a pattern that used to have the payoff of feeling greater than those around me, and has morphed to making me feel less than. the payoff for that, is it enhances the lie i lived under for decades and inhibits my desire and ability to redefine myself as a never broken person that has value and is worth respecting. if my friend offers, i will accept his offerings, if he does not, i will accept that as well, as i am not doing this to get something, i am doing it because he asked and needs assistance and for me anyhow it is the net right thing to do.
as i finally grew into my big boy recovery pants, i saw that being generous actually cost me nothing and not expecting any payoff in return, actually made me feel better as a person. this morning, after i got rolling, i started to consider all that i have to do for my friend tomorrow, as part of my agreement to pick him up at the airport. there will be tolls and parking to pay, my time going in to meet him and carry his bags, dropping him off at his car and hauling his bags into his apartment and i started to feel “put on upon.” i was quite capable of expecting something in return for generously offering to give him a hand with his stuff. i took a breath, sipped some of my coffee, perused the news and finally i came to a place where i could let go and allow myself the freedom to be okay with what it is going to cost me in time and resources to help my friend and peer get home with his broken leg. as i returned to Earth and got out of my own way, i saw the attempt of creating a resentment and playing the victim was a deep dive into a familiar and comfortable pattern. it is a pattern that used to have the payoff of feeling greater than those around me, and has morphed to making me feel less than. the payoff for that, is it enhances the lie i lived under for decades and inhibits my desire and ability to redefine myself as a never broken person that has value and is worth respecting. if my friend offers, i will accept his offerings, if he does not, i will accept that as well, as i am not doing this to get something, i am doing it because he asked and needs assistance and for me anyhow it is the net right thing to do.
∞ DT ∞