Some memes

me the opportunity to know myself, to answer to my own conscience, and to own my part instead of blaming forces outside myself. as i have written about, many times in the past, i came to recovery the victim of everything and nothing that was wrong in my life was my fault. in early recovery that shifted and i blamed addiction for all that was wrong with me, as my favorite refrain became, “what did you expect, after all, i am an addict!” as the days rolled by and i became more open-minded to what i was uncovering as a part of the recovery process, the world became my victim and i was a terrible piece of shit who took everything from everyone around me and never looked back. that swing was as deadly as the denial i was attempting to counter and if left unchecked, would have certainly led to my relapse. after all, why should i stay clean if i am to blame for all that is wrong in my world. to my great relief, what i finally came to see was that i was not a victim, although more than once in my life i was bullied or victimized, nor was i responsible for all that was wrong in the world. both sides of that coin were symptoms of addiction in action.
these days, i know what side of my bread is buttered and what i am responsible for and what i am not. over the course of this week i have to work six days in a row and although it is starting to feel onerous, i am not a victim here. i chose to volunteer to work my day off today, because i am a team player and have the ability to be part of that team, even if i want to walk away and do nothing today. i have yet to adjust to a life in semi-retirement and this week is providing the impetus to say it is a good thing not to work my life away any more. i know that this is going to happen again, and i am more than prepared to step up and help, out. part of playing the victim, the part i found the most distasteful but nevertheless found the most useful, was living my life allowing circumstances and not my actions dictate outcomes. today, even with a six day stretch of work halfway done, i know that i decided to work thees shifts, as i was asked point blank if any alterations needed to be made, and volunteered to pick up the slack today. i am responsible for this work schedule and certainly will survive it.
as i do have to get rolling out the door and the dawg needs to have a bit of exercise, i will come to my final point. when i lived in the world of blame-shifting and being a victim, i never allowed myself to learn how to live or how to be a social person. at work, i see the store as my domain, when i am there and it is my job to make those who enter it, feel safe, comfortable and welcomed. i am discovering in this trial by fire, that i can do exactly that, even though i told myself that was beyond my capabilities. just for today, i am getting more than $14.50 an hour at work, i am getting to find a part of myself that i never knew i had.

∞ DT ∞