Some memes

have to change who i am to match who happens to be around. i can stand up for myself, exactly as i am. i know this is a topic is one i seem to go to often, and yet, in my heart this is what i am all about, day in and day out. yes, i am off the ranch today and using something different for my seed. the simple fact of life has been for me to always be who i was not, in order to be a part of the crowd. as nice as it might be to say i left that behind when i accepted recovery, the simple fact was it took two and a half decades to finally begin to shed that skin. life in my real skin may be more comfortable, but it is also scarier, as the echoes of wanting to be approved of and fitting in, still pops up from the depths.
this morning as i sat, i relished the quiet and the calm that i felt. for the first sixteen minutes none of my background noise invaded that place and my body responded accordingly. those last four minutes were not heinous, but were a bit disturbing, as if someone pitched a rock into a still pond. what i have to accept is that when i am still, there are more than enough things that i keep on the down-low, that emerge when i am not actively avoiding them. yes i know, i could chide myself for not being better than that, but the reality is, i have to accept there is still mini time-bombs still buried in the detritus of my past. the good news is that the ones that came up this morning were trivial and ones i have to ways and means to explode without destroying what i have built.
as i have a task or two to get done this morning, it is time to let this go and move on. i am fairly certain that this set of steps will reveal even more of those hidden and buried traps that are still lurking in the depths. my journey is far from complete and i relish it these days, even though i know that change may be painful and uncertain at times. today, just for today, that is exactly how it should be.

∞ DT ∞