Some memes

arrive in the rooms with tons of willingness and enthusiasm to change ANYTHING about my life, these days, however, i tend to be open enough to try something different. have to admit, my seed today, is more of a paraphrase than usual, and for that is okay. it expresses exactly what i was like, skips the what happened and what i am like now. what happened was that i persevered through my abstinence phase and decided this recovery gig might actually work for me. it was not as if i lost my skepticism about what was going on in the rooms and the fellowship, what i lost was my tolerance to being miserable and living in the shadow of my overwhelming desire to use. that desire did not lift the first day, or even the first week, but bit by bit, it became less and less overwhelming until it faded into background noise. these days, i would have to dig very deep to resurrect that feeling, or convince myself that using is the next right thing. neither of those actions are ones that i chose to take today.
there is not a lot in my life that i need to persevere through today, i have been through the deaths of my parents, dealing with an estate, melanoma surgery, retirement before i was ready to retire and all the consequences of living life in this post-modern world. walking in my skin today, is not uncomfortable, most of the time. as i inch my way forward to writing my FOURTH STEP, i am seeing some of my biggest fears, being shown for what they are, irrational and rooted in the part of me i call addiction. i am discovering i am way more social that i ever thought i could be and that being out of the house and in the public eye is nowhere as spooky as i once thought it might be. do not get me wrong, i still like my solitude and am more than okay sitting alone and playing on my computer, it just is not how i HAVE TO fill my days, these days.
so what comes next today? well my part-time gig, just a bit less part-time, or at least will get that way after Friday. in the mean time, i have three shifts this week and actually have a Friday night off. small miracles do happen.what i do not have nor even want is to get another full-time gig at all, as i am coming to like the freedom i have when i am tied to a time-clock. anyhow, there are some things i have to accomplish before i show up for work this afternoon, amongst them is cooking some dinner. life goes on. i persevere some days, and thrive on others, but most days are simply “just another day,”, neither ecstatic nor full of angst and for me, right here and right now, that is more than an okay manner on which to live.

∞ DT ∞