๐ซ i am learning ๐ซ
Posted: Tue, Feb 3, 2026 11:43:09 AM
to be as forgiving with myself as as i am with others. i did not walk into recovery as a forgiving person, i carried every slight, every crusty look and every embarrassment like some sort of shield, waiting for my opportunity to get even. trust me when i say that the sweet taste of getting even was worth the wait, as they never saw it coming. not the healthiest or friendliest kid on the block, for sure. time and again, what i learned was hurting people may not advance my cause to be liked and respected, but deep down it made me feel better about who i was.
the first time i wrote out my steps for real, i stumbled over this fact, time and again, as i wrote my FOURTH STEP and beyond. part of what was going on, which i did not realize until a very long minute later, is that i had convinced myself i was “too broken” to be seen in public and that it was my fault that i was treated so badly by someone who loved me. the resentments i carried into recovery were all about the reactions people had to my payback to perceived injuries and at my core, it was not really about them but fed the lie that if i was not so broken they would have never required payback. that lie kept me from actually moving out of my past into the here and now, for decades. these days and on this set of steps specifically, i find myself still correcting that internal image of myself as someone who is inherently bad because he is so broken. the work is not easy and even though i am lacking in a shit ton of resentments, the one that keeps popping up is me, how could i have lived with that lie as canon for so long in recovery, despite evidence to the contrary. it certainly will be an interesting journey through to STEP 10 with that fact of my life in the forefront of my mind.
it is time to put this to bed and post my musings to the denizens of the online world. just for today, as i learn that i am worthy of forgiving myself, i can own the fact that my fellows travelers are also worthy of my forgiveness. it is a good day to step out of the darkness that i have lived under for so long and into the light of accepting myself as a human being, imperfect and more complicated than i ever imagined.
the first time i wrote out my steps for real, i stumbled over this fact, time and again, as i wrote my FOURTH STEP and beyond. part of what was going on, which i did not realize until a very long minute later, is that i had convinced myself i was “too broken” to be seen in public and that it was my fault that i was treated so badly by someone who loved me. the resentments i carried into recovery were all about the reactions people had to my payback to perceived injuries and at my core, it was not really about them but fed the lie that if i was not so broken they would have never required payback. that lie kept me from actually moving out of my past into the here and now, for decades. these days and on this set of steps specifically, i find myself still correcting that internal image of myself as someone who is inherently bad because he is so broken. the work is not easy and even though i am lacking in a shit ton of resentments, the one that keeps popping up is me, how could i have lived with that lie as canon for so long in recovery, despite evidence to the contrary. it certainly will be an interesting journey through to STEP 10 with that fact of my life in the forefront of my mind.
it is time to put this to bed and post my musings to the denizens of the online world. just for today, as i learn that i am worthy of forgiving myself, i can own the fact that my fellows travelers are also worthy of my forgiveness. it is a good day to step out of the darkness that i have lived under for so long and into the light of accepting myself as a human being, imperfect and more complicated than i ever imagined.
∞ DT ∞