๐ต i can be ๐
Posted: Thu, Feb 26, 2026 10:59:06 AM
confused about what the it is that i am turning over, who or what i am turning it over to, and what turning it over is in the first place. i walked into the cigar store this morning and availed myself to a deal that the company has not yet corrected. i have no issue with that, as i know that the price i paid, still had the standard mark-up and excise tax on it, it was just a special deal that i could have corrected ten days ago, when i uncovered it. i am going to leave it alone and allow someone else to take advantage of this special pricing. in a practical sense, i am letting go of what i think i may do and allowing what will be, to be. which brings me back to the topic at hand, what is it that i am turning over?
for the longest time in my recovery the “what or who” i was turning it over to, was more important than the actual act and what it was i needed to turn over. my confusion stemmed from my own need to define, categorize and quantify all that i felt, saw and experienced. the what or who, had to look and feel like something i could touch and see, even though in a practical sense, i would do neither, ever. my reluctance to let go of that notion for the first fifteen years of my recovery, might be cause for remorse, and quite honestly is was for a long minute. from the perch of here and now, i see it as a necessary part of who i am becoming and the only was i could ever accept what i felt, overruling what i thought in m head. i can see that my abiding FAITH in the program comes from that period of my recovery where my what or who journey kept running up against the wall of what i felt deep down and finally accepted as the only practical solution out of my confusion. i know today that my path through forcing myself to find the what or who that matched that of my peers was the only way i would break from from my need to be there. i know that in that journey, i dabbled in what has become my spiritual path and even paid lip service to to. the reality was that it was a show to hide my confusion and need to conform from my peers. i spoke the words, expressed the sentiments, but could not get it into my head that was my true path.
this morning as i embrace the spiritual principal of practicality, i can see with little or no effort that who i am today, is certainly not the person i projected when i got clean, when i submitted to recovery and when i finally came out of the lie that defined my first six decades of life. i may not “know” who that person is, but i do know that i have a creative streak that needs to be exercised. i also know that i have a desire to be fit, mentally and emotionally. perhaps more important than all of that a spiritual need to see myself as a whole being, confident in the direction i am heading, just for today.
for the longest time in my recovery the “what or who” i was turning it over to, was more important than the actual act and what it was i needed to turn over. my confusion stemmed from my own need to define, categorize and quantify all that i felt, saw and experienced. the what or who, had to look and feel like something i could touch and see, even though in a practical sense, i would do neither, ever. my reluctance to let go of that notion for the first fifteen years of my recovery, might be cause for remorse, and quite honestly is was for a long minute. from the perch of here and now, i see it as a necessary part of who i am becoming and the only was i could ever accept what i felt, overruling what i thought in m head. i can see that my abiding FAITH in the program comes from that period of my recovery where my what or who journey kept running up against the wall of what i felt deep down and finally accepted as the only practical solution out of my confusion. i know today that my path through forcing myself to find the what or who that matched that of my peers was the only way i would break from from my need to be there. i know that in that journey, i dabbled in what has become my spiritual path and even paid lip service to to. the reality was that it was a show to hide my confusion and need to conform from my peers. i spoke the words, expressed the sentiments, but could not get it into my head that was my true path.
this morning as i embrace the spiritual principal of practicality, i can see with little or no effort that who i am today, is certainly not the person i projected when i got clean, when i submitted to recovery and when i finally came out of the lie that defined my first six decades of life. i may not “know” who that person is, but i do know that i have a creative streak that needs to be exercised. i also know that i have a desire to be fit, mentally and emotionally. perhaps more important than all of that a spiritual need to see myself as a whole being, confident in the direction i am heading, just for today.
∞ DT ∞