Some memes

of my idea of needing to fit in or match those around me., has not been the easiest task i have undertaken in my recovery. it has, however, been one of the most rewarding as it allowed me to find the spiritual path that fits me the best, even though it took a decade and a half to get there. this morning, i am feeling better about who i am and where i may be going. my run was the fastest 10K since my injury and when i sat this morning, i just felt the quiet and calm on a deeper level than i have been feeling lately. not having to match anyone else's outsides, is certainly a gift that i can cherish in the here and now.
this has been a long strange trip to get to where i am, and there are times when i am remorseful that it was my self-will and stubbornness that held me back for so long. i know the wisdom of the fellowship states that i needed each and every setback and resistance to reach this point in my journey. all of my hesitation about accepting the me that is, was needed to make the reveal of that person even sweeter and well-earned. i have certainty earned the sense of self i am developing and the price i have paid is not all that great, even though at one time it felt higher than i was willing or able to do. it is true that i am having an issue or three about being that retired guy. i am coming to terms with that and certainly have plans in place so i do not allow myself to fade into obscurity, as i see others my age seeming to want to do. i want to have an identity, even if i am unsure of what that identity happens to be. i want to be vibrant, alive and active and weirdly enough socially adept. i see all that happening and that is certainly a gift fro the POWER that fuels my recovery, as i am more than certain it is not coming from inside of me.
today is a total rest day. no writing on my creative writing project. no step writing. no taxes. just a day to allow myself the freedom to breathe. i may not be the brightest bulb in the pack. today, i stand out as an individual that is as similar to my peers as any addict is in recovery, and yet as my own person, shining in my own manner and hearing the music of my own soul as i traipse through the rest of this day. when those echoes of my past come screaming from the depths, i can remember that no matter what, i am who i am and that person need not hide from anyone, ever again, just for today.

∞ DT ∞