Some memes

commitments is what matters to the people around me. i have to admit, way back when, the only reason i took any sort of service commitments was to be a bit more free from the legal constraints i was laboring under. if i had to show up thirty minutes early to make coffee because it took that long, that meant thirty extra minutes, out and about, almost like i was getting away with something. i as far from the most committed member and everything i did was to look better in the eyes of my peers and to get something for nothing. what i got instead, was a sense of accomplishment, because i actually showed up, on time and did what i said i was going to do. that led to all sorts of new ideas and behaviors, such as committing to myself and doing what i needed to do, to foster my recovery, once i took the plunge and was all in.
these days, commitment means a whole lot more to me than just showing up. it shows me that i can do what i need to do and how i can be a part of the lives of those around me. a case in point, in our fellowship there are many newer members who are using drug replacement therapy to get off and stay off drugs. once upon a time, not all that long ago, i was of the opinion that those folks were not “clean.” and could not be a member of the fellowship. what changed was my hypocrisy was revealed as i considered those in the fellowship who were using pain killers to control chronic pain and those that were using psyche meds to treat mental illness. once upon a time, i also believed those two groups of my peers were not “clean,” either as the violated the no matter what principle i believed was the bedrock of the program. i had to do some serious soul-searching and look to the THIRD tradition which states the only requirement for membership is the DESIRE to stay clean. as i went down the rabbit hole of my belief structure and yes this was structural not systemic, i saw that i was being closed-minded and rigid in my definition of what it means to be a member and find the ways and means to live a program of recovery. when my head popped out of my ass in the distant pass and recently, i have come to a place of acceptance and one that says look to the person and what they are willing to do.
i use that standard to judge my own recovery journey and when i find myself butting my head up against the remnant of my belief structure, i have to pause and wonder if it is really worth the effort and how does it fit in with my commitment to my own personal recovery. the simple and brutally honest answer, is that it does not fit in anywhere close, as i am much better than needing to hold on to ideas that no longer serve me, my peers in recovery of those who i love and love me. just for today, my commitment to my recovery is more important that living any of the lies i have told myself about what the recovery journey is or is not.

∞ DT ∞