Some memes

by my peers is a form of love, they offer this love unconditionally to addicts seeking recovery. when i got here, i did not understand what those people were offering, and i was not sure i wanted it of needed it. what i needed was a hall pass out of the justice system and the ways and means to use like a gentleman. i know i have repeated that fact, time and again, and yet, even today it needed to be repeated once again, as i am now part of that “they.” sitting here this morning, enjoying a cigar and some coffee, i remember the first time i felt some hope in the rooms and it was not that first day or any time shortly after that first meeting that i actually opened myself up to what i could be given. no, it was when i realized mere abstinence and white-knuckling was not going to get me to my goal of getting off paper. i was whupped when i came back from my trip back east, clean, but just barely and messed up emotionally and spiritually as the desperation of my situation finally hammered its was through the wall of denial i still had around me. it was then and there that when i said i was an addict, i actually started to believe that was truly the case. finally i was not just parroting the words and fronting a façade of a recovering addict.
at my home group this weekend on of my peers whom i deeply respect went on and on about his favorite soap box topic, specifically the use of GOD in the written material of our fellowship. he said he was disappointed that it is only now that the fellowship is starting to look at that as an issue and he is sad that many an addict had been turned off an may have walked away from recovery, because of their issues with that term. i may not disagree with him in that term can be something that may create a barrier to recovery. i, however, believe it is my job to correct any misgivings they may have about that term and help them to find a compromise that make them less uncomfortable, until they are ready to sit at the table. as someone ho has been there, done that, and definitely has the T-shirt, i know all about the feelings the term GOD may create in my peers and i know that the HOPE i need to give them, is that they too, can find the ways and means to reconcile their feelings and walk forward in their recovery journey. all of us in the fellowship has stumbled across at least one concept in the written literature that we could have used as an excuse to walk away. for me, demonstrating the unconditional love i was given when i was getting clean is all about helping them find their way out of the darkness of active addiction.
yeah, yeah, yeah i am a fucking saint, NOT! no i am just another recovering addict that is still more than human, loaded with assets and liabilities and the desire to be something more, here in real-time. that something more changes from day to day. today, it is pounding out this little hit, moving forward in the real world without leaving a path of chaos and destruction in my wake and letting those who love and care for me, that i, too, love and care for them. anything more is just icing on that cake.

∞ DT ∞