โ i did not come to my first meeting aching to take a personal inventory โ
Posted: Thu, Feb 15, 2007 07:20:29 AM
or believing that a spiritual void existed in my soul. i had no inkling that i was about to embark on a journey which would awaken my sleeping spirit.
not only did i not believe that i had a sleeping spirit that needed to be awakened, i did not even think that there was a spiritual component to the world around me. this is one of the metaphors that i really dislike -- no not the sleeping spirit that i understand and agree with, no the whole waking up in the morning image. that being said, i can now move into what i really think this morning. after another sleepless night and a quick journey into town to rescue one of my local clients, i feel amazingly calm and full of acceptance right now. i would think that today i would be a basket case and i would be screaming for mercy from my overactive feelings and emotions. i am however in a fairly good spot, especially since i am lacking the answer to today’s BIG question, but so it goes.
having said all of that and being prompt for my feelings i can now move into the whole sleeping spirit gig. i know i have written about the state of my spirit when i walked into the rooms, as well as the state of my spirit when i finally got desperate enough to actual accept that possibly i needed a new manner of living. this whole spiritual awakening process is one of those that i seem to totally miss out on, until way after the fact. years of rationalizing and justifying my actions and behaviors, just so i could swallow my feelings about those actions has taken a toll on the spirit of this recovering addict. the coma comparison comes the closest to what is actually happening in my life. even though i have been through the steps twice and am almost halfway through the third time, i find myself seeing my spiritual life and self as somewhat of a mystery right now. i like to quantify, define and qualify everything about myself, so i can wrap it up in a nice little container and move on. lately i am finding less and less satisfaction in that particular part of my behavior patterns. i am finally beginning to recognize and let go of this particular need and as a result i am seeing myself and my relationship with the spiritual side of me in an entirely new life. although this is frightening, i am also very excited about where this phase of my spiritual growth will take me. i am now less concerned about the destination and the itinerary on this journey and am beginning to just enjoy being on this path. that little paradigm shift is creating a new way for me to face my daily life and still recover. and most of all, my recovery is beginning to feel brand new again. all it took was a solid and very powerful fifth step experience to snap me back to reality-- and yes now my character defects are certainly glaring, so i can hardly rest at this way station for very long, after all there are a whole bunch more awakenings just waiting for me to do what it takes to get there! so off to deal with my BIG day and see what is in store for this addict today!
not only did i not believe that i had a sleeping spirit that needed to be awakened, i did not even think that there was a spiritual component to the world around me. this is one of the metaphors that i really dislike -- no not the sleeping spirit that i understand and agree with, no the whole waking up in the morning image. that being said, i can now move into what i really think this morning. after another sleepless night and a quick journey into town to rescue one of my local clients, i feel amazingly calm and full of acceptance right now. i would think that today i would be a basket case and i would be screaming for mercy from my overactive feelings and emotions. i am however in a fairly good spot, especially since i am lacking the answer to today’s BIG question, but so it goes.
having said all of that and being prompt for my feelings i can now move into the whole sleeping spirit gig. i know i have written about the state of my spirit when i walked into the rooms, as well as the state of my spirit when i finally got desperate enough to actual accept that possibly i needed a new manner of living. this whole spiritual awakening process is one of those that i seem to totally miss out on, until way after the fact. years of rationalizing and justifying my actions and behaviors, just so i could swallow my feelings about those actions has taken a toll on the spirit of this recovering addict. the coma comparison comes the closest to what is actually happening in my life. even though i have been through the steps twice and am almost halfway through the third time, i find myself seeing my spiritual life and self as somewhat of a mystery right now. i like to quantify, define and qualify everything about myself, so i can wrap it up in a nice little container and move on. lately i am finding less and less satisfaction in that particular part of my behavior patterns. i am finally beginning to recognize and let go of this particular need and as a result i am seeing myself and my relationship with the spiritual side of me in an entirely new life. although this is frightening, i am also very excited about where this phase of my spiritual growth will take me. i am now less concerned about the destination and the itinerary on this journey and am beginning to just enjoy being on this path. that little paradigm shift is creating a new way for me to face my daily life and still recover. and most of all, my recovery is beginning to feel brand new again. all it took was a solid and very powerful fifth step experience to snap me back to reality-- and yes now my character defects are certainly glaring, so i can hardly rest at this way station for very long, after all there are a whole bunch more awakenings just waiting for me to do what it takes to get there! so off to deal with my BIG day and see what is in store for this addict today!
∞ DT ∞