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the reading speaks to a spiritual awakening, and yes i have had at least one since i got clean. although the metaphor used to tie the steps to the process of a spiritual awakening may be apt, i find it a bit cheesy. what really struck me this morning, once i got past my emotional reaction and judgement to the form of the reading, was that realization of the spiritual void that i never knew i had, at least not before i got clean and started to work the steps.
i often quip, how when i got clean, it was the fellowship that made me an addict. there is an element of truth in that terrible joke, as i did not have any clues that i might have a problem, of any sort, before walking into the rooms. i had build my wall of denial out rationalizations and justifications to the extent that when i was tangentially involved in the crime that sentenced me to recovery, i took no responsibility for my part nor any responsibility for how i behaved in its aftermath. if i could not recognize and own that my uncontrollable use of drugs and what i needed to do to get them, was an issue, how could i even begin to glimpse at a void within me? it was my peers in the fellowship that finally allowed me to cut through the bullsh!t that i had so carefully crafted and accept that maybe there was work to do, and that mere abstinence was not enough. all of this brings me to my latest soapbox, an issue that has been simmering since early December, after i had a meal with a friend coming back from a relapse.
what was brought up for me, on that night, and a theme that i hear played out often in the rooms, is a minimization of the behaviors tied directly to filling that void. the words, “at least i did not…” seem to be the magic formula for excusing all kinds of vile and heinous behavior. i hear myself wanting to say that very phrase to excuse all sorts of my crap. in the relapse scenario it is usually followed up by: “use my drug of choice!” as if what they used, really mattered. in the rooms it comes down to:“did not use.” as if not using but acting out was some sort of “successful” day. sure i got busted stealing packages off porches and ratted out my partner, but at least i did not use, just does not cut it for me anymore. the false sense of esteem that sort of rationalization creates, is hardly going to keep me clean another day. for me, what that sort of minimization does, is lower the bar to an unacceptable position, so that the at least i did not use my drug of choice, or at least i was only out for thirty days, sound appealing and honestly realistic.
moving along, as one can see, i do not cut myself very much slack, and rightfully so. even though the spiritual void, as yawning as it was when i came to recovery, has been filled with a spiritual path derived for working the steps, i can dive through that b]nearly microscopic opening at any time. once i am there, all bets are off about what will happen next. the only thing for sure, is that i will be crafting my post-hoc, explanations, justification and rationalizations, to maintain my social standing in my peer group. and more than likely that trail of excuses will start with: AT LEAST I DID NOT! just for today, i will own what i do and when the time comes, admit where i am wrong, and not explain it away in a flurry of smoke and mirrors, in fact pay full attention to the man behind the curtain.

∞ DT ∞